Preparing for Change

Desire and motivation are usually linked, but they are fairly different creatures. You may have a practical motivation to change something without any desire whatsoever, no emotional interest. You may have a general desire for a change without, say, a time crunch motivating you to pursue it right now. These words come up a lot when speaking of change, so I thought I’d establish some distinction between them.


This may be familiar: you have both the desire and motivation to make a change or perhaps several changes. You could even have a list, a plan. Perhaps you’ve visualized what these changes would involve and how they could affect your life. One problem. Your “car” won’t start, or if it does, it stops every few yards.

I’m not talking about emergency decisions. Just everyday choices that require some degree of effort if real change is to be a result.

This is a feeling which many experience, this inertia. It feels part physical, part psychological. It’s heavy. Whether the source is a bit of depression or not, awareness of this sense of being unable to get out of our own way and do things we want to do, often things which unquestionably would be of benefit…just this awareness can feel depressing. What is wrong with us???

Individually, each person could work to examine the psychological roots of this gap between a desire and the energy to move in that direction. Do that if you choose to. You may find freedom through understanding. I have another approach in mind, one which I'll share with you after some brief observations on age and how it often relates to change.



I do think on average, as the years roll on, there is a tendency to have greater difficulty with change, even fairly simple change which we are initiating. There is a time factor for one thing. Changes we make when we are young can make a difference for a long time, while some changes made relatively late in life will impact fairly little. There are changes which can be experiments whose benefits take awhile to test. When you don’t have so much time, you are more likely to continue with what you know in these cases. As well, the more perceived risk involved in a change, the more resiliency may be required if it doesn’t work for us; resiliency being a trait we may have possessed in spades in our teens and twenties, but not so much in our fifties and beyond.

Also, change is rarely just a matter of attitude. There is a brain-body-habit component to nearly everything we do. It takes a certain degree of elasticity combined with energy to make shifts, especially durable shifts. We simply have more of both when we are younger. I’ve met a couple of exceptions, who were once young farts and then found energy, fun, looseness in a process of aging well…but these are rare.

Let’s stop there on age-related issues even though more could be written. My goal there was to lend perspective on some of the natural differences in dealing with change depending on one's stage in life.


If you are young, you can develop in a way which will make you more flexible both now and for your long future. If you are more mature, you probably have more patience than the “kids,” and may take to my suggestions and stay with them longer, increasing the chances that they stick. What I will recommend applies to people of any age, particularly those who are beginning to abandon their dreams of change because they don’t feel equipped to do anything about them.

Some of you are expecting brutal homework; something which will cost you time in your crowded day, something only a nerdy instruction follower will actually try applying to their lives. Good news! I’m just not that cruel or impractical. I’m on your side and I hope you get some of the results that I’ve experienced.


What is required of you is that you be a little relaxed, open-minded, free with some of the experimental child I hope you can still access. If you are compulsive (short of a full-blown disorder), this will be a challenge, highlighting your need to start “mixing it up.”

SHIFT WHAT IS AFFORDABLE IN YOUR ROUTINE!

Work on this like it’s your own private, silly yet purposeful game. Anything you can do differently without affecting something critical – like safety or time delay you clearly cannot afford – is now up for grabs. Make each day as different from every other day, inch by inch. Mess it up a little, add flair! While there is a lot of necessary and some enjoyable repetition in our lives, there’s quite a bit which is unnecessary and numbing re-run. Your life may be so locked down with predictable routine that you can relate too well to the movie “Groundhog Day.” Even that sort of life…especially that sort of life has room for freshness without a radical makeover. First, I’ll give you some examples, then I’ll give you my spin on how this will help you.

There are so many things you can do differently just by switching the hand you normally use to do something. Some activities clearly depend on your dominant hand, but a considerable number do not. Change the hand you squeeze shampoo into. Brush your teeth with the other hand. Use the other hand to hold cups. Grab door handles with the “opposite” hand. Change the lead hand you steer with. You’ll find so many others. Change and change back…the idea is to stay loose, not to replace one way with the other. (If you don't get the ultimate value I have in mind, at least you'll become more ambidextrous!)

Other ideas. Bathe yourself, get dressed in a different sequence. Shave your legs or face starting with the opposite side you are used to. Park your car intentionally further away from your destination or take a slower route to get there, time permitting. Change the music volume you are used to wherever you are.

Exercise routines are very easy to vary, even just slightly. One basic physical thing is to notice which leg you tend to lean on when standing. Once you’ve established that, switch when you catch yourself doing it!

Changes that others might consider weird…keep these off camera for now. The goal isn’t attention; it’s freedom, practicing change in innocent incremental ways. It’s also to increase your awareness, to reduce your conditioned behavior. If you add doses of this into your daily life, I feel sure that more significant change will begin to seem easier and more inviting.

It may take a few weeks, even a couple of months for the benefits of this behavior to kick in…in the meantime have as much fun with it as you can and don’t measure the success by how quickly you feel more confident about handling change in general.

So as to hopefully strike a chord with any of you for whom this still feels pointless, let me leave you with this analogy…

In school most of us seemed to learn a lot we’ve never had use for later in life. (I’m very good with “quick” math, but all I recall from calculus was our bizarre high school teacher.) Much of it was to exercise our minds; teaching us how to think, to organize ideas. It can be the same with change. Make a lot of little changes which appear to have no meaning by themselves, with the purpose of making you more comfortable with change, more fluent in its language.

The Invitation

(For those who are enjoying this blog and would like others with whom you have a light connection to experience what we are creating and sharing, I have written something brief you may want to include in a note to them.)

Hi,

Welcome to a developing community of those seeking thoughts and discussions on change - how we respond to change and how we initiate it in our lives. This blog is quite new, less than two months old, and it's a great time to feel it evolve. But whenever you choose to begin taking a few minutes a week to consider some of what is explored in this blog called "Openings," I think you will feel the desire to return more and more. That would be the part of you thirsting for wisdom, for perspective, for balance in a swirling, sometimes chaotic world and hopefully finding a voice and a space which seems to want the same things for you.

You are invited to enter wilsnellings.blogspot.com

Peace,

Wil

Thank You

At this early stage of our shared experience of this blog, I’d like to say “Thank you” for your readership and increasingly, for your comments as well. Those who like what’s here seem to be mentioning it to others, as the number of “hits” has swelled considerably since we began several weeks ago. This small sphere of thoughts and feelings, observations and strategies may yet blossom into a small community.

For my part, I am enjoying this immensely. I turned 50 last year. I still play a couple of sports adequately though sporadically. I walk a lot. I love movies – as does my wife, fortunately. I read some during my vacations. But as an adult, I’ve never had a hobby, something I make an effort to do whenever I can.

I’m not a car buff. I don’t have a favorite team. I don’t sky dive. Hunting, fishing, ATV outings – not my thing. I like politics every four years, but I don’t have a news obsession. I don’t Twitter or text message. I’m not on Facebook (yet). I haven’t played poker in nearly twenty years. I’m not part of a strategic life simulation community. Heck, I’ve only played about three hours of video games since I was in college! I’m a busy guy, but you can see where I might have some time to take care of this blog.

That this is a hobby keeps it fresh for me. I only have to write because I want to write, and even then the posting every 7-14 days allows me to slowly organize my thoughts. Sometimes I plan early to write on a topic and then change my mind based on a comment someone sends or just some stream of events or thoughts prior to my deadline. I’m allowed decent flexibility and I intend to keep using it. Otherwise, I’ll be rolling out variations like “Forgiveness: Parte Deux,” “Forgiveness: Return of The Anger,” “Being Forgiven” and “A Review of The Movie ‘Unforgiven’.”

Back to you guys. The range of comments is great, and nearly half of them have been ones you wrote over the past week, so perhaps more comfort in the process is developing. I know a couple of people who found a glitch in the posting process. I put a note in the right margin which should eliminate the issue they experienced. As for topics, I have a huge list from which I intend to draw future posts. You can assist me by e-mailing ones you feel should be priorities.

Quoteworthy

Some provocative quotes to ponder, related to the topic we are concluding. As always, I welcome comments.





“If I learned anything in my life, it is that bitterness consumes the vessel that contains it.” – Rubin “Hurricane” Carter



“If we could read the secret history of our enemies we should find in each person’s life sorrow and suffering enough to disarm all hostility.” – Henry Wadsworth Longfellow



“If it were all so simple! If there were evil people somewhere insidiously committing evil deeds, and it were necessary only to separate them from the rest of us and destroy them. But the line dividing good and evil cuts through the heart of every human being. And who is willing to destroy a piece of his own heart?” – Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn



“Forgiveness is not always easy. At times, it feels more painful than the wound we suffered, to forgive the one that inflicted it. And yet, there is no peace without forgiveness.” – Marianne Williamson



“To know all is to forgive all.” – St. Thomas Aquinas

A Few More Thoughts on Forgiveness…

In reading some off-blog comments, you reminded me of one central truth: forgiveness is an emotional topic most of the time. How, why and when we forgive is so variable – an almost mysterious process. I may have seemed too focused on a programmed approach. It is a suggestion, rather than something I am preaching as in, “This is the best way to go about forgiving. It’s working for me and it will work for you!” I recognize that forgiveness is good whenever and however it can be generated.


One thing you might consider – who benefits most from the process of forgiveness?

We tend to think of forgiveness as a gift for someone else (when not speaking of self-forgiveness) in granting it personally. In this spirit, it’s as if we consider whether we can afford it, whether we can get something by doing it, more than believing in its intrinsic value. Maybe a “Thank you” is deserved in response to “I forgive you,” but often the other person doesn’t feel they need forgiving, and missing the “Thank you,” we feel gypped. Even forgiving a person who is on their deathbed, we are a bit inclined to think this should get us credits in our faith or that he or she is fortunate to be released from our justified judgment, in word if not always in thought.

Some relationships, active or not, feature two-way non-forgiveness, with each person feeling wronged. If you extend forgiveness in such a situation, you might keep light your hope that this will produce the same from the other person. It happens like that more frequently on sitcoms than in real life.

Along those lines, aren’t we more likely to forgive someone if their life isn’t looking so good (compared with ours or compared to how theirs used to be)? I think it takes more strength to do this while their lives appear fine. Instead, consciously or not, we wait for them to suffer and then begin to ponder whether their karma has played out enough.


If you desire to forgive another directly but they are unavailable due to death or other circumstances, I like the idea of writing a letter. You can save the letter or perhaps let it go by fire or water in some ritual. Just write it in a genuine spirit as if the other person would hear these words. You are likely to experience a surprising peace from this.


There are times when you are ready to move toward forgiving someone, and yet know this will be difficult. I recommend a meditative approach. I find that closing my eyes while I do this clears more space in my mind and heart for the work. Take as much time as you need, while keeping a commitment to your goal. Sometimes just 5-10 minutes each day is enough attention. There are days you sense progress and other days where your resistance to forgiving feels overwhelming. That’s normal. When you feel the pain, the discomfort…see if you can witness those feelings rather than drowning in them. Sit with those feelings as long as you can, without “feeding” them. The next time this occurs, see if you can sit with them a little longer.

A parting thought, inspired by a segment on “The Today Show” this morning…there can be shades of gray in forgiveness. Sometimes, innocent third parties can benefit by at least your granting a “stay” of judgment or execution of someone by thought. Hopefully, you will allow plenty of time for your gesture to bear fruit. Even in challenging circumstances, you may ultimately find this compromise for the good of another assists you toward really letting go one day.

Forgiveness

Part Two of “Initiating Changes”

Forgiveness is such an important topic, that continuing where we left off with that subject seems best.

Until about six years ago, my own ability to forgive was probably average. What set me on a different path? Perhaps the accumulation of reading which kept mentioning the power of forgiveness. Or could it be that something inside me was calling out for an important shift?

I know I was captivated by the possibility of freeing up energy. Expanding my compassion and becoming less judgmental also appealed to my desire to evolve as a person. I began to acknowledge this as well: that which we do not forgive begins to accumulate, forming a sort of storyline of grievance. We become invested in this internal conversation, one we may dramatize with great flourish. By not forgiving, our judgments, complaints, grudges, and self-recriminations trend toward becoming a fixture of our identity.

With determination, I began to list people I intended to forgive, along with general behaviors and specific actions. I returned to consider my anger, resentments and embarrassments collected over the years. I kept a notebook close at hand, and every day I penned subjects for potential forgiveness. I was on a mission of sorts – due to faith in the value of my project and curiosity as to the effect on my life. I allowed myself as much time as necessary to add to the list, until I felt I had run out of valuable real estate.

I was surprised by how much forgiving was on my plate, considering my life to that point had been quite fortunate on balance. My parents were featured prominently on my list, to different degrees… I suspect it will be the same for most of you. By weight my father was the one person with whom I needed to make the most peace. But the person who I had to forgive the most things? ME. Yep, that’s right. What an annoying person I must have been to that point – mainly to myself. If you start a list of forgiveness, you may be so absorbed in the heavy, long-standing recriminations and finger-pointing that you leave yourself off the list. All I can say from my experience is how my inward honesty was tough at first, and so freeing at last.

Step One. My soul-searching list creation took about ten days. I burned the list in a ceremony of sorts at the very end, signifying what I felt to be considerable releasing and healing. I’m getting ahead of myself, partly as an explanation for why I don’t have direct evidence remaining. If memory serves, there were nearly 125 items on the list.

Step two. Samurai warriors who, when facing multiple attackers, fight them in sequence from the toughest to weakest. If they can handle the tough ones, the others become intimidated, sometimes fleeing. Here it’s more about the confidence gained for yourself with this approach to your Forgiveness List. If you’d rather sneak around and then slowly work up to your biggies, that’s understandable and fine… Whatever works.

The third step is the key. How do we begin to forgive that which we haven’t forgiven recently or ever? How do we forgive ourselves when few of us are used to considering that at all?

Who are you forgiving? Parents, significant others, children, employers…What types of things are you considering forgiving? Abuse, betrayal, disappointment, important lies, insufficient love – these are the big ones. You can run the gamut down to things which are small in the grand scheme of things but which bother you all the same.

I feel beginning with self-forgiveness works best. Maybe it’s an extension of the reasonable notion that if you can’t love yourself, you can’t love anyone else.

Two of the essential ingredients leading toward genuine forgiveness are perspective and empathy. (Here I repeat: Forgiveness of a person does not require acceptance of behavior.)

It is hardly sufficient to say, “Well, I guess it’s time to let that go.” You need to consider why there has been an issue with something. How did you feel, how have you felt about it? Have you benefitted in any way from this, in terms of learning at least, despite the bad feelings? For instance, sometimes we learn much from experiencing what not to do.

Seeing ourselves honestly…reviewing our actions and our feelings regarding them – as we come to terms with the more difficult examples, this paves the road to be more compassionate towards others. Compassion is tested in this way. We can all feel compassion for the starving child in a UNICEF commercial. Can we forgive our father for intentionally breaking our bicycle as a form of punishment?

There are some who live and think in ways which emphasize separation, isolation. For them, people, ideas, events, emotions are distinct… they brush up against each other, share some time and space, but otherwise are independent entities. There are aspects of our modern world which encourage such a sense of alienation. Can this make forgiveness more difficult? I believe so.

It is through a sense of relatedness, connection that we can move from self–forgiveness to forgiveness of others. As we appreciate their hard-wiring, motives and shortcomings to be somewhere on the same continuums as ours, however differently placed they may be; then we can stir empathy and release judgment.

Some of our non-forgiveness of others comes down to simply, "I wouldn't have done the same thing." Perhaps not, but you weren't in that person's shoes. Without removing responsibility from the equation, it remains important in much deep forgiving, to consider as best you can: a life lived with another's specific genes, environmental influences of personal life and cultural history - including beliefs, fears and observed behavior. It's nearly impossible to meaningfully achieve, but a decent effort along these lines is likely to create at least a small shift in you. You may come to a few more junctures of "I don't approve, but I understand." When that understanding is borne of empathy rather than intellectual formulation, you are entering the zone of genuine forgiveness.

I forgave myself for disappointing my parents by leading the life of a professional gambler, for taking too much risk several times and creating problems with losses, for relationships I didn’t always “show up for”… and another forty or so things.

I acknowledged some arrogant and self-destructive and emotionally guarded aspects of myself which were warped byproducts of how I adapted in my family. I understood their nature and source and began the process of lightening the hold of their patterns.

This all took a few weeks to work through back then, and I assure you I’m still revisiting my commitments and discovering new issues. The initial effect was significant and on the whole, quite lasting. As well, my self-forgiveness proved to be the great bridge toward forgiving others.

Then came the “forgiving others” phase. What was important throughout is that I take things carefully and seriously. I found quiet time to focus my energy on each person. Often I would imagine they were a child of between five and eight years old. I did my best to sense who they were and how some of their later issues were already developing. This was one method I used to elicit empathy.

I should mention this: with major people on your list, it’s much easier to forgive the person generally than to forgive specific actions of theirs.

As with the “self-forgiveness” phase, this took some time. The important thing is to stick with it as if something vital depends on it. Rushing to “forgiveness-lite” will likely prove detrimental, especially if you go beyond thought, to the territory of extending words and gestures toward a person. You may snap back to even greater resentment/judgment, perhaps adding self-recriminations.

[To the greatest extent you can, forgive others while they are alive.]

You can’t do this all at once. Some things on your list you may never forgive. Forgive yourself for holding on and feeling that to be necessary…or not.

Am I a better person for doing this? Certainly I feel better. I also like myself more. I compare myself to others less. I judge myself and others on fewer occasions.

A summary thought on the subject by someone with considerable life experience…

“Make peace with the past so it won’t screw up the present.”
– Regina Brett (90 year old columnist)

Resolutions

(This will be Part One of “Initiating Changes”)


Happy New Year! I had another topic in mind, until my wife sensibly suggested I stay in keeping with the time of the year and discuss resolutions – the New Year’s variety or otherwise.

I’m not sure I’ve ever specifically made a New Year’s resolution, but I have made plenty of changes; some gradually, some through dramatic, of-the-moment determination. Like anyone, I have resolved and slid back often enough, either feeling guilty or weak afterwards, or sort of ignoring what didn’t transpire. At the top of the heap of resolutions still not well met by me? -becoming fluent in Spanish. I’m not proud of this, given that my wife and kids are all from Costa Rica and that I’ve studied the language quite a bit at different times. I certainly can get there and I feel I owe it to my family, whose English is excellent.

Resolutions can range from ones for small changes to significant ones; from committing to taking the dog on longer walks to ending a substance abuse addiction. They nearly all focus on breaking or braking a habit, pattern or relationship which we recognize is not serving us or those we care about.

There is some success fueled by resolutions, particularly when they are soberly formed and witnessed (the more witnesses, the better). You’ll have some idea whether your momentum is sustainable if you are at least six weeks along your fresh path. This is important to keep in mind from the outset, like identifying a first marker.

Surely, it’s not empty symbolism to join a gym or attend your first AA meeting, but it is a far cry from “half the battle.” In fact, that package of recognition of a need to change plus the first step…it might add up to 20% of the battle. It’s an essential beginning, but we tend to over-credit ourselves for it.

Gym-joining is probably the classic resolution-buster. It’s estimated that half of those who get a membership the first week of January are no-shows by mid-February! This is a poor investment even if Joe Stud from the fitness center got you a 13th month for free. In the workout quest, I strongly recommend having a “spotter” or “sponsor” who goes with you most of the time and has similar goals. If you don’t have such a person, maybe you can find one at the gym or with staff’s help. For myself, what works well is someone determined yet short of a lunatic or hyped salesman in their enthusiasm.

Issues regarding weight fill a topic by themselves. To the extent that one has control not handicapped by a medical condition, I’ll say just a couple of things here. Most of change is about shifting or freeing energy. You’ll find that I feel word choice can be quite important in both our external and internal dialogue. We have a standard of speaking in terms of “losing weight”. Consider this: the word “losing” in this context undermines the goal from the outset. We don’t like to lose. We also are used to finding or recovering that which we lose. So let’s leave the “losing” out of the plan! Think in terms of “changing shape and increasing energy” or an expression which says what you intend in a positive way.

If you are serious about change, be a good coach to yourself. Good coaches are often said to “put their players in position to succeed.” Know your strengths and weaknesses. Think through your typical days. What obstacles, real or manufactured (excuses), tend to keep you from your goals? What emotions, times of the day or other habits have you linked with a habit you are ready to let go of? Will written reminders in key places help you? Do you require others to assist you, and if so have you considered what style of such interaction works best for you?

The bottom line is usually clear. Either you are serious about change or you aren’t (yet). Talking about change without follow-through gets zero points and tires your friends if not your pets – take care of your cheering section! Making a change may be a challenge and a long process, but the benefits are real and typically extend well beyond the change made. So often I have been pleasantly surprised at bonus effects on myself or my relationships after just one change. Some of this results from simply yet powerfully activating “change muscles.” The more we change, the more easily we can make other changes or adapt to shifting circumstances.

Perhaps you feel unlikely to be true to your resolutions for long. Maybe historically this has been your tendency. One explanation could be that you are such a creature of habit that even small changes must be imposed on you. If this describes you, I have a bridge of behaviors which might increase your odds of success.

As I wake up, but before leaving bed, I focus on my breath: nothing of great length, just 3 deep in-and-out breaths, reminding myself of this central and apparently continuing marvel of my existence. Then I take nine focused breaths, divided into three parts; opening/deepening my breath itself, opening my heart and opening my mind’s eye or intuition (in the center of my forehead). Through this, I create a grounded base of trust and expansiveness. You may feel gratitude, you may feel prayerful.

I also do three exercises. I bounce on my toes and lightly flop around for a couple of minutes, giving me a feeling of buoyancy and flexibility. Then I alternate standing on one foot for a minute, swinging the other foot in a variety of directions. This gives me a sense of balance. Finally, I grab a couple of free weights and push my endurance with a few minutes of simple exercises. Naturally, I am experiencing strength as a result. You might repeat a couple of these or something similar of your own design throughout your day. (In an office setting, bathroom stalls might have a new function.) Here I am addressing a baseline of attention and intention. Additionally, it’s of great benefit if you can walk twenty or more minutes each day, at the best speed you can maintain. This combines the stimulation of blood/oxygen flow and the energizing psychology of motion.

While each of us is geared differently, I feel a routine of this basic nature will slowly release stuck aspects of how you have been and allow you to be more easily seduced by possibilities of how you can become. You may come to feel you deserve certain changes, more than just thinking so. You are likely to have more embodied faith that you can move in these directions.

Change substantially involves the shifting, freeing or expansion of energy. One way is reducing weight through healthier food choices and increased exercise. Another is through subtracting a non-food addiction from your life. Yet another is letting go of a toxic relationship. Along with other changes not mentioned, these are all important and challenging commitments in different ways and for different people.

I have found one process which is immensely valuable by itself and towards liberating energy for making changes – forgiveness. From Oprah to “A Course in Miracles,” forgiveness is mentioned frequently these days. All major religions and spiritual traditions speak strongly of the value and power of forgiveness. I’ll return to this topic later in the year. For now, may I suggest you try this? With or without resolutions, forgive one person (this can be yourself) or one situation. Take enough time to think and feel through the essence of events. It is worth stressing that forgiveness of a person does not require acceptance of a behavior. In forgiving others, admit how you too have weak moments or general shortcomings, however different these may be from theirs. In forgiving yourself, you needn’t abdicate responsibility while working in the present to make better choices.

Genuine forgiveness is one of the most powerfully liberating and connecting forces we have. In thought and feeling it is strong. In word and then action it gains even more force.

Remember that true forgiveness asks nothing, expects nothing in return. It is a gift by itself. What follows is largely unexpected in both form and timing. You may catch yourself "requiring" a reward. This probably indicates it's time to explore the quality of your forgiveness.

If you feel just a little lighter, more open, more balanced and whole from this single forgiveness, you have started down an irresistible path.