I think this is an important question. Witnesses can play a key role in what equips us for change. Good witnessing can impact our lives in considerably beneficial ways and is to be cultivated, treasured. Let’s explore what I mean by this sort of witnessing.
As the term “witness” has many uses, I’ll make clear from the outset how I am defining it here. I am not referring to legal witnesses, Jehovah’s Witnesses, spectator witnesses, people immersed in a meditative witness state or Robert Heinlein’s Fair Witnesses from Stranger in A Strange Land.
Broadly, think of the kind of witness I am focused on as a reminder, an awakener or an inspirer. They can be fairly passive, just observing with a palpable appreciation of who we are. At the other extreme they can be energetic and in your face. Whether they are currently around us or not, the quality of their perceptions and care feel accessible, and are capable of giving us support. Without a judging pressure, their “voice” contributes to our best sense of self.
Some people are good witnesses mainly for us, while some play this role for many. It is rare for anyone to fully get us, though. It is more likely that we will be well witnessed in aspects of ourselves by a few people spread through time.
Good witnesses possess some or all of several qualities. They are empathetic with strong listening and observational skills. They are good at questioning, like a personal archeologist. They have a general wisdom. They aren’t inclined to put us in “small frames” of narrow possibilities. (As children they may just have a combination of empathy and curiosity with which to connect simply yet intimately.)
Good witnesses can affect us in so many ways. At worst they can make us feel uncomfortable with their penetrating perceptions of our lightly used gifts or stalled ambitions. The rest of the time, their value is clear, if often subtle.
They can help us to feel safe in the way they make us feel known and accepted. Their quality of listening is usually key in this. They capture the spoken and the unspoken. They understand the meaning in our tone. They appreciate context. They can keep us honest, and also sane. (They can call us on our crap – like some do for me who read this blog – while also telling us when trivial outside things are distracting us). They provide mirrors for our depth and range. They can spark awareness of our possibilities and awaken our capacities for change. They can remind us of the Big Picture while dusting off and aligning our inner compass. They can help to sustain the reason and energy moving us through change.
Do you remember The Wizard from “The Wizard of Oz?” Despite his shortcomings compared to his propaganda, The Wizard proved to be a good witness. He reminded each of our heroic foursome that they possessed the very things they were seeking. Doesn’t it often take such an observer, a mirror in human form, to reframe or shed clearer light on part of ourselves, our experience?
Good witnesses reveal us to ourselves; reflect our ingredients rather than superimposing their own dreams and attitudes. They are not predictors, even if they sound like it at times. If they do offer specific projections of your future, the basic sense these embody are that which you should value. From my teen years I recall my grandmother imagining a possible life for me as a poet. I was told I had a future as a minister by a pastor who worked for her during the week. Both of them were good witnesses, just clothing their perceptions with occupations they cherished.
Many things we say and facts about us only thinly reveal or reflect us. Most of these are choices, of course, yet often they are experiments of the moment. Many of us are unskilled at consistently displaying our essence or ideals in these choices. Good witnesses can guide us toward a greater integration in this regard.
Good witnesses, in my language, assist us in moving toward our fullest, most alive and joyful selves. In their acceptance and approval of all they understand about us, they provide ready fuel for movement toward our more expanded hopes and visions for our lives. Much of that movement requires a measure of letting go. Witnesses support healthy “letting go” processes as opposed to ones emphasizing “pushing away from.” Good witnesses encourage and emphasize “moving toward” energy and attention. They often ask us “What if…?” or “Imagine if…? at the right time.
Our pool of potential witnesses? Parents, siblings, partners, kids, friends, co-workers, therapists, spiritual counselors, yourself, perhaps God. Some can be too emotionally entangled with you to be a good witness. (I think high levels of sexual attraction can substantially interfere with the quality of witness/witnessed interplay and become either a substitute for vulnerability to help evolve us, or be the sole source of such openness. On the other hand, strong chemistry can prove to be a portal toward deeper levels of witnessing.) Those outside your closest circle can sometimes “get” you or a key aspect of you better, unclouded by history and expectations. That’s part of the reason many of us have considered or sought counseling of one form or another; not only to get answers or develop plans for difficult issues, but for a quality of witnessing absent in our life. That being said, our best witnesses are often those who know our “swamp” – our roots, our early days on the planet.
It’s common these days to develop or deepen friendships through social networks like Facebook, chat rooms, blogs and general forums. While not questioning whether these are friendships, I do have thoughts as to whether good witnesses can be found in friendships if their sole meeting ground is in cyberspace. In-person communication features a good deal of talking, but the other forms of communicating turn out to be more powerful and revealing. We pick up and convey a lot of information from facial expressions, broad body language and even light physical contact such as a hand briefly grasping our shoulder. Audio chats can supply tone and video chats some of the body language, but neither generates the “truth” in being an arm’s length apart. (The value of non-verbal witnessing is best exemplified in that of a nurturing parent with a child. Even as adults we can bask in a certain glance, gesture or touch by such a parent.) On the other hand, some of us don’t begin opening up until later in life. In these cases, Facebook friendships may provide an initiation into allowing ourselves to be witnessed.
The kind and amount of good witnessing in our lives depends somewhat on us. How comfortable are we exposing our dreams, our fears? Some of us have been abused, taken advantage of or ridiculed enough in our lives so that we’ve become very protective, closed. Can you begin now to allow yourself to be known by one carefully chosen person? The risk may feel great, but so often the reward is worth braving through. For others, I recommend allowing, even inviting more witnessing into your lives, short of where it feels suffocating. Keep in mind that witnessing expressed requires good listening on the part of the witnessed; in this case, us.
It can require practice to recognize genuine witnessing. Some of those close to us may be a good witness one minute and “judge and jury” the next (or at least seemingly tuned out to the real or best us). When the latter occurs, we’re tempted to paint all their comments with a black brush, but a patient review can catch the muddied gems. Some are good at witnessing, but use it as an exploitative tool. (In my experience, there are many men who use this, consciously or not, to manipulate women, much more so than either gender uses witnessing in this way on their own or the other gender.) This is akin to using nuclear power for weapons instead of providing necessary energy for our lives. One way that good witnessing can be recognized over time is that it asks nothing in exchange, has no agendas, hidden or otherwise.
Sometimes people preach their “advice,” demand of us that we be a certain way. This is not good witness behavior. You know the difference, or you will know better after considering the subject as we are here.
It is rare that one good witnesses will contradict another. They each may be more connected to one aspect of your nature than another. Also, you will often find that apparently conflicting witnessing can be reconciled in such a way that both perspectives are valid.
In what ways can we be a good witness to ourselves? Taking an inventory of your strengths is a good thing. Generally we are aware of and make use our strengths, but certainly there are times when that is not the case. We can preserve the essential spirit of dreams for ourselves and think of even little ways to further them in our present lives. Recall qualities or skills you had especially from when you were 10-18 years old. Thaw out ones which you still value but seem to have frozen back then.
We can also collect small self-observations and notice tendencies which are getting in our way. Without getting all perfectionist about it, I did this for about six months. Whenever I felt a bit off – an “error” of thought or preparation, failing to communicate well or perhaps a physical mistake – I made a brief note on a huge sheet of paper. After awhile, I found some themes, discovered some meaning in the splotches outside the central canvas of my days. At the time my big two were realizing I could listen better and recognizing there were more times when I would benefit from paying more attention to details.
Between the witnessing others provide and your self-witnessing, you can create an accessible profile of your core power and areas of potential growth. This list emerges out of who you are rather than what others want. As you decide to be more awake, conscious of who you are and what your preferences are, you may also work with props as reminders of your intent. Well-placed simple notes with just one key word can do the trick. The sound of water in different areas of your home can remind you to stay fluid in your thoughts and actions. Plants can remind you of nurturing and growth.
Honest perspectives are central to good witnessing. With this in mind. I took myself to task one important day about four years ago. Taking dead aim, laying it all out, I listed even the smallest ways I could recall in which I had been or continued to be dishonest (very much including deceiving myself). It began with a determination to be honest with the list! Observing these tendencies, small though they may be for some of you, may prove a pivotal step toward freeing energy and improving your relationship with yourself and others. That certainly has been my experience.
Service to others is thought to be a significant contributor to happiness, along with making us feel like good people. Being a good witness to others is a form of such service, just less formal or obvious than most. I believe it is best that we first witness well those we have chosen to be closest to us. That established, see how you can extend more good witnessing into all your connections, however brief.
Do take care that good witnessing does not head down a slippery slope toward judgment. Verbally communicate your witnessing with a calm, soft voice. Sometimes just catch others “doing something good,” at least to balance a world which seems to scold more than praise. Consider that just being heard well may be enough to calm someone down who is used to fights or being rejected. It is not solely that it catches them by surprise. I think being heard is something significant which they truly seek, yet have long forgotten how to ask for or obtain.
This topic may inspire you to better access hidden gold in your life. I believe we are now on a general path in which witnessing by various names will be more cultivated. Physical attraction, common interests and values are all good ingredients for promising relationships. I think it is time to add mutual potential for good witnessing to that group. Imagine a world of such relationships creating future generations…
