I think this is an important question. Witnesses can play a key role in what equips us for change. Good witnessing can impact our lives in considerably beneficial ways and is to be cultivated, treasured. Let’s explore what I mean by this sort of witnessing.
As the term “witness” has many uses, I’ll make clear from the outset how I am defining it here. I am not referring to legal witnesses, Jehovah’s Witnesses, spectator witnesses, people immersed in a meditative witness state or Robert Heinlein’s Fair Witnesses from Stranger in A Strange Land.
Broadly, think of the kind of witness I am focused on as a reminder, an awakener or an inspirer. They can be fairly passive, just observing with a palpable appreciation of who we are. At the other extreme they can be energetic and in your face. Whether they are currently around us or not, the quality of their perceptions and care feel accessible, and are capable of giving us support. Without a judging pressure, their “voice” contributes to our best sense of self.
Some people are good witnesses mainly for us, while some play this role for many. It is rare for anyone to fully get us, though. It is more likely that we will be well witnessed in aspects of ourselves by a few people spread through time.
Good witnesses possess some or all of several qualities. They are empathetic with strong listening and observational skills. They are good at questioning, like a personal archeologist. They have a general wisdom. They aren’t inclined to put us in “small frames” of narrow possibilities. (As children they may just have a combination of empathy and curiosity with which to connect simply yet intimately.)
Good witnesses can affect us in so many ways. At worst they can make us feel uncomfortable with their penetrating perceptions of our lightly used gifts or stalled ambitions. The rest of the time, their value is clear, if often subtle.
They can help us to feel safe in the way they make us feel known and accepted. Their quality of listening is usually key in this. They capture the spoken and the unspoken. They understand the meaning in our tone. They appreciate context. They can keep us honest, and also sane. (They can call us on our crap – like some do for me who read this blog – while also telling us when trivial outside things are distracting us). They provide mirrors for our depth and range. They can spark awareness of our possibilities and awaken our capacities for change. They can remind us of the Big Picture while dusting off and aligning our inner compass. They can help to sustain the reason and energy moving us through change.
Do you remember The Wizard from “The Wizard of Oz?” Despite his shortcomings compared to his propaganda, The Wizard proved to be a good witness. He reminded each of our heroic foursome that they possessed the very things they were seeking. Doesn’t it often take such an observer, a mirror in human form, to reframe or shed clearer light on part of ourselves, our experience?
Good witnesses reveal us to ourselves; reflect our ingredients rather than superimposing their own dreams and attitudes. They are not predictors, even if they sound like it at times. If they do offer specific projections of your future, the basic sense these embody are that which you should value. From my teen years I recall my grandmother imagining a possible life for me as a poet. I was told I had a future as a minister by a pastor who worked for her during the week. Both of them were good witnesses, just clothing their perceptions with occupations they cherished.
Many things we say and facts about us only thinly reveal or reflect us. Most of these are choices, of course, yet often they are experiments of the moment. Many of us are unskilled at consistently displaying our essence or ideals in these choices. Good witnesses can guide us toward a greater integration in this regard.
Good witnesses, in my language, assist us in moving toward our fullest, most alive and joyful selves. In their acceptance and approval of all they understand about us, they provide ready fuel for movement toward our more expanded hopes and visions for our lives. Much of that movement requires a measure of letting go. Witnesses support healthy “letting go” processes as opposed to ones emphasizing “pushing away from.” Good witnesses encourage and emphasize “moving toward” energy and attention. They often ask us “What if…?” or “Imagine if…? at the right time.
Our pool of potential witnesses? Parents, siblings, partners, kids, friends, co-workers, therapists, spiritual counselors, yourself, perhaps God. Some can be too emotionally entangled with you to be a good witness. (I think high levels of sexual attraction can substantially interfere with the quality of witness/witnessed interplay and become either a substitute for vulnerability to help evolve us, or be the sole source of such openness. On the other hand, strong chemistry can prove to be a portal toward deeper levels of witnessing.) Those outside your closest circle can sometimes “get” you or a key aspect of you better, unclouded by history and expectations. That’s part of the reason many of us have considered or sought counseling of one form or another; not only to get answers or develop plans for difficult issues, but for a quality of witnessing absent in our life. That being said, our best witnesses are often those who know our “swamp” – our roots, our early days on the planet.
It’s common these days to develop or deepen friendships through social networks like Facebook, chat rooms, blogs and general forums. While not questioning whether these are friendships, I do have thoughts as to whether good witnesses can be found in friendships if their sole meeting ground is in cyberspace. In-person communication features a good deal of talking, but the other forms of communicating turn out to be more powerful and revealing. We pick up and convey a lot of information from facial expressions, broad body language and even light physical contact such as a hand briefly grasping our shoulder. Audio chats can supply tone and video chats some of the body language, but neither generates the “truth” in being an arm’s length apart. (The value of non-verbal witnessing is best exemplified in that of a nurturing parent with a child. Even as adults we can bask in a certain glance, gesture or touch by such a parent.) On the other hand, some of us don’t begin opening up until later in life. In these cases, Facebook friendships may provide an initiation into allowing ourselves to be witnessed.
The kind and amount of good witnessing in our lives depends somewhat on us. How comfortable are we exposing our dreams, our fears? Some of us have been abused, taken advantage of or ridiculed enough in our lives so that we’ve become very protective, closed. Can you begin now to allow yourself to be known by one carefully chosen person? The risk may feel great, but so often the reward is worth braving through. For others, I recommend allowing, even inviting more witnessing into your lives, short of where it feels suffocating. Keep in mind that witnessing expressed requires good listening on the part of the witnessed; in this case, us.
It can require practice to recognize genuine witnessing. Some of those close to us may be a good witness one minute and “judge and jury” the next (or at least seemingly tuned out to the real or best us). When the latter occurs, we’re tempted to paint all their comments with a black brush, but a patient review can catch the muddied gems. Some are good at witnessing, but use it as an exploitative tool. (In my experience, there are many men who use this, consciously or not, to manipulate women, much more so than either gender uses witnessing in this way on their own or the other gender.) This is akin to using nuclear power for weapons instead of providing necessary energy for our lives. One way that good witnessing can be recognized over time is that it asks nothing in exchange, has no agendas, hidden or otherwise.
Sometimes people preach their “advice,” demand of us that we be a certain way. This is not good witness behavior. You know the difference, or you will know better after considering the subject as we are here.
It is rare that one good witnesses will contradict another. They each may be more connected to one aspect of your nature than another. Also, you will often find that apparently conflicting witnessing can be reconciled in such a way that both perspectives are valid.
In what ways can we be a good witness to ourselves? Taking an inventory of your strengths is a good thing. Generally we are aware of and make use our strengths, but certainly there are times when that is not the case. We can preserve the essential spirit of dreams for ourselves and think of even little ways to further them in our present lives. Recall qualities or skills you had especially from when you were 10-18 years old. Thaw out ones which you still value but seem to have frozen back then.
We can also collect small self-observations and notice tendencies which are getting in our way. Without getting all perfectionist about it, I did this for about six months. Whenever I felt a bit off – an “error” of thought or preparation, failing to communicate well or perhaps a physical mistake – I made a brief note on a huge sheet of paper. After awhile, I found some themes, discovered some meaning in the splotches outside the central canvas of my days. At the time my big two were realizing I could listen better and recognizing there were more times when I would benefit from paying more attention to details.
Between the witnessing others provide and your self-witnessing, you can create an accessible profile of your core power and areas of potential growth. This list emerges out of who you are rather than what others want. As you decide to be more awake, conscious of who you are and what your preferences are, you may also work with props as reminders of your intent. Well-placed simple notes with just one key word can do the trick. The sound of water in different areas of your home can remind you to stay fluid in your thoughts and actions. Plants can remind you of nurturing and growth.
Honest perspectives are central to good witnessing. With this in mind. I took myself to task one important day about four years ago. Taking dead aim, laying it all out, I listed even the smallest ways I could recall in which I had been or continued to be dishonest (very much including deceiving myself). It began with a determination to be honest with the list! Observing these tendencies, small though they may be for some of you, may prove a pivotal step toward freeing energy and improving your relationship with yourself and others. That certainly has been my experience.
Service to others is thought to be a significant contributor to happiness, along with making us feel like good people. Being a good witness to others is a form of such service, just less formal or obvious than most. I believe it is best that we first witness well those we have chosen to be closest to us. That established, see how you can extend more good witnessing into all your connections, however brief.
Do take care that good witnessing does not head down a slippery slope toward judgment. Verbally communicate your witnessing with a calm, soft voice. Sometimes just catch others “doing something good,” at least to balance a world which seems to scold more than praise. Consider that just being heard well may be enough to calm someone down who is used to fights or being rejected. It is not solely that it catches them by surprise. I think being heard is something significant which they truly seek, yet have long forgotten how to ask for or obtain.
This topic may inspire you to better access hidden gold in your life. I believe we are now on a general path in which witnessing by various names will be more cultivated. Physical attraction, common interests and values are all good ingredients for promising relationships. I think it is time to add mutual potential for good witnessing to that group. Imagine a world of such relationships creating future generations…
Fine post. I consider my mother, who is 85 , to be my most important witness. Sharp as the proverbial tack, she remembers most of what I've done, and can't wait to know what I've done lately. Of the many sad facts about aging is that one loses many of his or her witnesses. Those who know us best die, and we are left with those who may, as Gide said, " Understand us too quickly. "
ReplyDeleteBy the way, thank you for adding my blog, The Web Town Observer, to your blogroll. I have added your blog to mine. One's blog's readers can be excellent witnesses. As you know.
Thanks, Terrence.
ReplyDeleteThat's great about your mother. A lot of witnessing preserved in one person. It's debatable, but I think as we age, beyond cultivating an occasional new witness and witnessing ourselves as best we can, we can carry the essence of witness connections past the point when people leave us.
I believe the question "who knows us" has a number of levels to its answer.
ReplyDeleteFirst, the only one who truly knows us, and knows everything about us, is the Holy One who created us.
Second, in our life journey, if we can focus and be intentional long enough, we can come to understand a lot about ourselves. We can each come to be one "who knows us."
Third, in our life journey, if we can be open and vulnerable enough to share who we are with another person, a soulmate or kindred spirit, he or she can become one who really knows us.
Fourth, the degree to which we know ourselves, and the degree to which we are willing to share that with another, will permit that other to really know us, to that degree, if they want to know us, and are willing to be patient and open to the process.
Thanks for your additions to the topic.
ReplyDeleteI think being open and sharing oneself to another can obviously lay the foundation for good witnessing. I also believe the quality and intent of that other person goes a long way to determine how good that witnessing is.
This blog, and especially this particular subject, are getting quite philosophical. I've enjoyed the piece itself and also the comments. I noted the obvious theme of friendship (implied by the witness concept)and the more subtle implied theme of freedom that can come from truly being ourselves. Wil mentioned poetry in the initial essay, that inspired me to dig out a couple of poems touching on these subjects that I composed when I was quite young(around 21)and consumed in my existential phase. I hesitated to submit them, but then thought - what the hey? Someone might identify with them. So here they are.
ReplyDeleteFreedom
A supposedly free nation, a supposedly
free people
But real release must be impregnated
within the self
And this freedom is only as rare
As one who perceives it
And inseminates it to another;
For one does not witness his rebirth
Nor gain the new freedom
Until another manifests such
empathy and concern
That ruptures a hard core of imagery
And instills in its place a sense of
His omnisciency which makes one
fully realize
That he is himself and someone else knows.
-- This person is free.
What Makes A Friend?
What is there in a friend
that weaves the golden vine
So unmistakingly as from
contemptible briar to
Powerful oak that towers
in its midst,
The wind being its only
agent of consciousness
To a stalwart calloused trunk;
But yet the long stems grapple with such
twisting contortive desire
That even mighty oaks make room
(and gladly so)
For outstretched arms which become
tightly woven about their bases
Slowly creeping upwards hardly ever even
reaching the first limb.
What is there in a friend ---
Something you can envy yet
tolerate so well.
Thanks for your contribution, Steve.
ReplyDeleteQuite good poetry from a relative whippersnapper. English minor? Certainly apt for the topic. Good friends do rank high as likely good witnesses in our lives.
I suppose what I wrote has a philosophical basis, although my intention is to turn awareness slowly in such a way as to reveal some aspects of our lives freshly...it may appear that a new coat of paint is there, whereas the truth is dust and haze have been cleared to expose the greater beauty and vitality that was waiting, as it were, to be acknowledged and embraced once more. (Now that's philosophical!) I always have a practical intent. I'll just come through as many doors and windows as possible to prod people, a humble guide to evolutionary safe-cracking. Let's learn to wisely spin our inner dials until the tumblers click into place...and open to what we are ready for, greater passion and strength!
Glad the subject of poetry came up. I have an old friend, Thomas Lux. We graduated from high school together, then went our separate ways. He on to Emerson College where he was writer in residence. Then on to Sarah Lawrence where he headed the writing program. Tom now holds the Bourne Chair in Poetry at Georgia Tech. I encourage your readers to check out his work. His topics often are the quotidian and mundane. He is a gifted witness to what we're all doing in, and to, this world.
ReplyDeleteAnd one hell of a guy. I'm honored to have him as a friend, and witness to some of the writing I've done.
What do you think are good signs to know if you can impose yourself on someone else as their life witness?
ReplyDeleteThanks for the great read as always
Good question and an opportunity for me to briefly clarify something.
ReplyDeleteBeing a good witness to another is not an assignment or obligation, particularly in the sense of directly expressing what you witness. You may be a very natural witness type to a few or many in your life. For some, you feel free to share your understanding of them. For others, your are available when asked to give them a clear mirror, a sense of their best selves when they feel lost, confused.
If you are naturally a good witness, the sensitivity feature of that will likely also guide you in timing your communication. Sometimes it is not directly asked for, but you can sense that it may serve a purpose. You needn't express everything at once. You can also ask for an invitation to speak up, or offer one thing and test the response. How we express our witnessing can be so important relative to the one on the receiving end. How trusting that other person is in general or at the specific time goes a long way toward toward our choices of both tone and words.
Witnessing is a constant process of consciousness. The more conscious we are the less we will judge. As we witness, observe, and not become emotionally drawn in, we would make fewer mistakes. During a daily routine we often perform our tasks in an automatic mode. I can change that at least for a day by simply looking at myself in the mirror early in the morning and admitting: “Today, I will witness myself and the events happening to me”. We can perceive the activities of the day by observing ourselves as a driver, employee, child, parent etc. This will assist us to understand better our strengths and weaknesses. In the process of witnessing, we increase our awareness of the roles which we take throughout the day and of the time we spend for our vital creative revival.
ReplyDeleteI enjoy the comments of all of the participants. It is wonderful when we have a witness who has known us for years and support us for a positive change, but sometimes we lose those witnesses in the course of the circle of life.This year and last, I lost two very special witnesses of my life - my Mom and my spiritual partner. Such loss becomes a true loss the moment we stop thinking about them. Memories of that special witnesses could arise and enter our consciousness as thoughts. We could continue this extraordinary connection by simply imagining and recalling their voice, their expression, their positive influence on us while they were alive.
Some people are witnesses for their friends and family. Others are witnesses for social change or entire waves of social movement. Wil, I like your vision for world of good witnessing and future generations involved in this growth. This topic certainly gave courage to Steve to share his good poetry with us and we became witnesses of his creative energy flow. Please, continue to write more poetry, Steve.
I like the idea about observing your day with some detachment...this could be one day a week, or a couple of days each month. Witnessing our rhythms, our roles with less of a sense of being fully married to either; this can open us up in many ways. For one thing, embracing or at least moving toward change becomes easier the lighter we are with how we or "things" were previously.
ReplyDeleteSpecial people in our lives are often amongst our best witnesses. Losing them is difficult in so many ways. One idea to assist in preserving their memories is to write down some of the times and qualities you remember best about them. Next to that you might write what you think they saw, loved and encouraged or would hope for you. Keep this list somewhere which is easy to access.
I just posted something on my blog ( The Web Town Observer - terrencemccarthy.blogspot.com ) about a witnessing here in North Carolina this afternoon. Guy was golfing alone ( Not Bowling Alone ) Hit a shot he was proud of. I saw him come smiling broadly off the tenth green
ReplyDelete" Wouldn't you know it, " he yelled. " Nobody saw that. "
" I saw it, " I lied.
Well, Bill Murray was the great witness to the Bishop's miracle golf round (capped off with his demise on 18) in the movie "Caddyshack." There are times where we clearly are happier being witnessed than not, even if just by a stranger who understands what we did. The benefits of a white lie in these instances surely exceed any costs.
ReplyDeleteWil
ReplyDeleteI continue to think about what you placed so gently on the table for discussion. The idea of witnessing. I called an old friend today. We hadn't talked for decades. His wife answered.
" Julie? " I said.
" Yes. "
" It's Terry McCarthy. "
" Terry! "
I was remembered by her. She was remembered by me. We hadn't talked since when? The early 1970s.
Julie's husband Steve had been my best friend in the early 70s. We'd gone our separate ways. This shouldn't happen. We used to finish each others' sentences. It wasn't that we were on the same page; we were the same page.
Why do we distance ourselves from friends like that?
We get married. We have kids. We suck up to our bosses. We have grandkids. Suddenly ( It feels so sudden ) we're like the Gary Lockwood character in Kubrick's 2001. Ejected. Rejected. Lost in space, destined to die alone in a place where nobody hears your screams.
Me. My old friend and his wife reconnected today. I remembered things about them and their history.
They were delighted to hear from me. I was more than delighted to hear their voices, which sounded like the same voices I remembered.
Moral of story: Call someone you knew once. Tell them, in whatever way you choose, that you remember them. That you witnessed and continue to witness what they did and are doing. You will make their day. You will make their day.
I like that.
ReplyDeleteMore than most, I've pursued old friends, even from my early teens at times. (It's so much easier now with various internet accessing possibilities.) Perhaps it helps me keep perspective on the winding paths we all can take, while at the same time how essential qualities rarely change. In any event, my experience is as yours, that the connecting makes at least one of our days.