Like chapters in a book, blog topics can be as song tracks on a cd; some grab us, some don’t. Five topics have appeared on this blog so far: “Procrastination,” “Resolutions,” “Forgiveness,” “Preparing for Change,” and “Who Really Knows Us?” (If you just came around and haven’t read some of those yet, pick a couple whose titles catch your interest.) I’m sure some of these resonated for you more than others. Maybe just one stood out. You might print the ones which worked for you – to revisit, to understand beyond what I wrote, why those issues are important for you right now. (Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but I find printing things out to read away from the computer creates a different focus and, of course, I like that I can access those pages wherever I am.) A significant part of the journey toward change is fueled by our emotions. So if something calls out from your gut, not simply your mind, take your initiative or leap there.
I call the blog “Openings” to represent the opportunities we all have to reveal, shift, move toward and through. We sometimes need reminding, perhaps new clues. A few of you have described these considerations as “very deep,” or words along those lines. Compared to tv or casual conversations, no doubt that’s true. But if you want to own more of your life, I think it’s time to turn valuable attention toward certain things, care deeply long enough to create some fresh awareness, energy and strategies.
The next topic will be “How Are You Using Your Time?”
Topics which I will be exploring over the next 12 months or so include:
Why Change?
Obstacles to Change
What Is Guiding You?
Managing Our Emotions
Taking Action
Handling Outcomes
Relationships (communicating, etc.)
Parenting
Health
Addictions
Money/Business
Aging
Responding to Change
Dealing with What We Can’t Change
Many subjects or parts of them I will approach in broad strokes. It’s my intent to convey what I believe I understand or at least my developed perspective, rather than overreach and have something to say on everything. I encourage thoughts from all of you in the anticipation of these subjects. Please mention any topic you feel may be overlooked which is one you would like addressed. Also, if any of you have a pet or specialty topic and wish to contribute jointly or create a separate piece under your name, I can easily imagine that working here, so contact me.
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Who Really Knows Us?
Do you have at least one good witness to your life? Do you feel known for your special qualities, the values and aspirations which drive you or perhaps the dreams still quietly stirring certain longings in you?
I think this is an important question. Witnesses can play a key role in what equips us for change. Good witnessing can impact our lives in considerably beneficial ways and is to be cultivated, treasured. Let’s explore what I mean by this sort of witnessing.
As the term “witness” has many uses, I’ll make clear from the outset how I am defining it here. I am not referring to legal witnesses, Jehovah’s Witnesses, spectator witnesses, people immersed in a meditative witness state or Robert Heinlein’s Fair Witnesses from Stranger in A Strange Land.
Broadly, think of the kind of witness I am focused on as a reminder, an awakener or an inspirer. They can be fairly passive, just observing with a palpable appreciation of who we are. At the other extreme they can be energetic and in your face. Whether they are currently around us or not, the quality of their perceptions and care feel accessible, and are capable of giving us support. Without a judging pressure, their “voice” contributes to our best sense of self.
Some people are good witnesses mainly for us, while some play this role for many. It is rare for anyone to fully get us, though. It is more likely that we will be well witnessed in aspects of ourselves by a few people spread through time.
Good witnesses possess some or all of several qualities. They are empathetic with strong listening and observational skills. They are good at questioning, like a personal archeologist. They have a general wisdom. They aren’t inclined to put us in “small frames” of narrow possibilities. (As children they may just have a combination of empathy and curiosity with which to connect simply yet intimately.)
Good witnesses can affect us in so many ways. At worst they can make us feel uncomfortable with their penetrating perceptions of our lightly used gifts or stalled ambitions. The rest of the time, their value is clear, if often subtle.
They can help us to feel safe in the way they make us feel known and accepted. Their quality of listening is usually key in this. They capture the spoken and the unspoken. They understand the meaning in our tone. They appreciate context. They can keep us honest, and also sane. (They can call us on our crap – like some do for me who read this blog – while also telling us when trivial outside things are distracting us). They provide mirrors for our depth and range. They can spark awareness of our possibilities and awaken our capacities for change. They can remind us of the Big Picture while dusting off and aligning our inner compass. They can help to sustain the reason and energy moving us through change.
Do you remember The Wizard from “The Wizard of Oz?” Despite his shortcomings compared to his propaganda, The Wizard proved to be a good witness. He reminded each of our heroic foursome that they possessed the very things they were seeking. Doesn’t it often take such an observer, a mirror in human form, to reframe or shed clearer light on part of ourselves, our experience?
Good witnesses reveal us to ourselves; reflect our ingredients rather than superimposing their own dreams and attitudes. They are not predictors, even if they sound like it at times. If they do offer specific projections of your future, the basic sense these embody are that which you should value. From my teen years I recall my grandmother imagining a possible life for me as a poet. I was told I had a future as a minister by a pastor who worked for her during the week. Both of them were good witnesses, just clothing their perceptions with occupations they cherished.
Many things we say and facts about us only thinly reveal or reflect us. Most of these are choices, of course, yet often they are experiments of the moment. Many of us are unskilled at consistently displaying our essence or ideals in these choices. Good witnesses can guide us toward a greater integration in this regard.
Good witnesses, in my language, assist us in moving toward our fullest, most alive and joyful selves. In their acceptance and approval of all they understand about us, they provide ready fuel for movement toward our more expanded hopes and visions for our lives. Much of that movement requires a measure of letting go. Witnesses support healthy “letting go” processes as opposed to ones emphasizing “pushing away from.” Good witnesses encourage and emphasize “moving toward” energy and attention. They often ask us “What if…?” or “Imagine if…? at the right time.
Our pool of potential witnesses? Parents, siblings, partners, kids, friends, co-workers, therapists, spiritual counselors, yourself, perhaps God. Some can be too emotionally entangled with you to be a good witness. (I think high levels of sexual attraction can substantially interfere with the quality of witness/witnessed interplay and become either a substitute for vulnerability to help evolve us, or be the sole source of such openness. On the other hand, strong chemistry can prove to be a portal toward deeper levels of witnessing.) Those outside your closest circle can sometimes “get” you or a key aspect of you better, unclouded by history and expectations. That’s part of the reason many of us have considered or sought counseling of one form or another; not only to get answers or develop plans for difficult issues, but for a quality of witnessing absent in our life. That being said, our best witnesses are often those who know our “swamp” – our roots, our early days on the planet.
It’s common these days to develop or deepen friendships through social networks like Facebook, chat rooms, blogs and general forums. While not questioning whether these are friendships, I do have thoughts as to whether good witnesses can be found in friendships if their sole meeting ground is in cyberspace. In-person communication features a good deal of talking, but the other forms of communicating turn out to be more powerful and revealing. We pick up and convey a lot of information from facial expressions, broad body language and even light physical contact such as a hand briefly grasping our shoulder. Audio chats can supply tone and video chats some of the body language, but neither generates the “truth” in being an arm’s length apart. (The value of non-verbal witnessing is best exemplified in that of a nurturing parent with a child. Even as adults we can bask in a certain glance, gesture or touch by such a parent.) On the other hand, some of us don’t begin opening up until later in life. In these cases, Facebook friendships may provide an initiation into allowing ourselves to be witnessed.
The kind and amount of good witnessing in our lives depends somewhat on us. How comfortable are we exposing our dreams, our fears? Some of us have been abused, taken advantage of or ridiculed enough in our lives so that we’ve become very protective, closed. Can you begin now to allow yourself to be known by one carefully chosen person? The risk may feel great, but so often the reward is worth braving through. For others, I recommend allowing, even inviting more witnessing into your lives, short of where it feels suffocating. Keep in mind that witnessing expressed requires good listening on the part of the witnessed; in this case, us.
It can require practice to recognize genuine witnessing. Some of those close to us may be a good witness one minute and “judge and jury” the next (or at least seemingly tuned out to the real or best us). When the latter occurs, we’re tempted to paint all their comments with a black brush, but a patient review can catch the muddied gems. Some are good at witnessing, but use it as an exploitative tool. (In my experience, there are many men who use this, consciously or not, to manipulate women, much more so than either gender uses witnessing in this way on their own or the other gender.) This is akin to using nuclear power for weapons instead of providing necessary energy for our lives. One way that good witnessing can be recognized over time is that it asks nothing in exchange, has no agendas, hidden or otherwise.
Sometimes people preach their “advice,” demand of us that we be a certain way. This is not good witness behavior. You know the difference, or you will know better after considering the subject as we are here.
It is rare that one good witnesses will contradict another. They each may be more connected to one aspect of your nature than another. Also, you will often find that apparently conflicting witnessing can be reconciled in such a way that both perspectives are valid.
In what ways can we be a good witness to ourselves? Taking an inventory of your strengths is a good thing. Generally we are aware of and make use our strengths, but certainly there are times when that is not the case. We can preserve the essential spirit of dreams for ourselves and think of even little ways to further them in our present lives. Recall qualities or skills you had especially from when you were 10-18 years old. Thaw out ones which you still value but seem to have frozen back then.
We can also collect small self-observations and notice tendencies which are getting in our way. Without getting all perfectionist about it, I did this for about six months. Whenever I felt a bit off – an “error” of thought or preparation, failing to communicate well or perhaps a physical mistake – I made a brief note on a huge sheet of paper. After awhile, I found some themes, discovered some meaning in the splotches outside the central canvas of my days. At the time my big two were realizing I could listen better and recognizing there were more times when I would benefit from paying more attention to details.
Between the witnessing others provide and your self-witnessing, you can create an accessible profile of your core power and areas of potential growth. This list emerges out of who you are rather than what others want. As you decide to be more awake, conscious of who you are and what your preferences are, you may also work with props as reminders of your intent. Well-placed simple notes with just one key word can do the trick. The sound of water in different areas of your home can remind you to stay fluid in your thoughts and actions. Plants can remind you of nurturing and growth.
Honest perspectives are central to good witnessing. With this in mind. I took myself to task one important day about four years ago. Taking dead aim, laying it all out, I listed even the smallest ways I could recall in which I had been or continued to be dishonest (very much including deceiving myself). It began with a determination to be honest with the list! Observing these tendencies, small though they may be for some of you, may prove a pivotal step toward freeing energy and improving your relationship with yourself and others. That certainly has been my experience.
Service to others is thought to be a significant contributor to happiness, along with making us feel like good people. Being a good witness to others is a form of such service, just less formal or obvious than most. I believe it is best that we first witness well those we have chosen to be closest to us. That established, see how you can extend more good witnessing into all your connections, however brief.
Do take care that good witnessing does not head down a slippery slope toward judgment. Verbally communicate your witnessing with a calm, soft voice. Sometimes just catch others “doing something good,” at least to balance a world which seems to scold more than praise. Consider that just being heard well may be enough to calm someone down who is used to fights or being rejected. It is not solely that it catches them by surprise. I think being heard is something significant which they truly seek, yet have long forgotten how to ask for or obtain.
This topic may inspire you to better access hidden gold in your life. I believe we are now on a general path in which witnessing by various names will be more cultivated. Physical attraction, common interests and values are all good ingredients for promising relationships. I think it is time to add mutual potential for good witnessing to that group. Imagine a world of such relationships creating future generations…
I think this is an important question. Witnesses can play a key role in what equips us for change. Good witnessing can impact our lives in considerably beneficial ways and is to be cultivated, treasured. Let’s explore what I mean by this sort of witnessing.
As the term “witness” has many uses, I’ll make clear from the outset how I am defining it here. I am not referring to legal witnesses, Jehovah’s Witnesses, spectator witnesses, people immersed in a meditative witness state or Robert Heinlein’s Fair Witnesses from Stranger in A Strange Land.
Broadly, think of the kind of witness I am focused on as a reminder, an awakener or an inspirer. They can be fairly passive, just observing with a palpable appreciation of who we are. At the other extreme they can be energetic and in your face. Whether they are currently around us or not, the quality of their perceptions and care feel accessible, and are capable of giving us support. Without a judging pressure, their “voice” contributes to our best sense of self.
Some people are good witnesses mainly for us, while some play this role for many. It is rare for anyone to fully get us, though. It is more likely that we will be well witnessed in aspects of ourselves by a few people spread through time.
Good witnesses possess some or all of several qualities. They are empathetic with strong listening and observational skills. They are good at questioning, like a personal archeologist. They have a general wisdom. They aren’t inclined to put us in “small frames” of narrow possibilities. (As children they may just have a combination of empathy and curiosity with which to connect simply yet intimately.)
Good witnesses can affect us in so many ways. At worst they can make us feel uncomfortable with their penetrating perceptions of our lightly used gifts or stalled ambitions. The rest of the time, their value is clear, if often subtle.
They can help us to feel safe in the way they make us feel known and accepted. Their quality of listening is usually key in this. They capture the spoken and the unspoken. They understand the meaning in our tone. They appreciate context. They can keep us honest, and also sane. (They can call us on our crap – like some do for me who read this blog – while also telling us when trivial outside things are distracting us). They provide mirrors for our depth and range. They can spark awareness of our possibilities and awaken our capacities for change. They can remind us of the Big Picture while dusting off and aligning our inner compass. They can help to sustain the reason and energy moving us through change.
Do you remember The Wizard from “The Wizard of Oz?” Despite his shortcomings compared to his propaganda, The Wizard proved to be a good witness. He reminded each of our heroic foursome that they possessed the very things they were seeking. Doesn’t it often take such an observer, a mirror in human form, to reframe or shed clearer light on part of ourselves, our experience?
Good witnesses reveal us to ourselves; reflect our ingredients rather than superimposing their own dreams and attitudes. They are not predictors, even if they sound like it at times. If they do offer specific projections of your future, the basic sense these embody are that which you should value. From my teen years I recall my grandmother imagining a possible life for me as a poet. I was told I had a future as a minister by a pastor who worked for her during the week. Both of them were good witnesses, just clothing their perceptions with occupations they cherished.
Many things we say and facts about us only thinly reveal or reflect us. Most of these are choices, of course, yet often they are experiments of the moment. Many of us are unskilled at consistently displaying our essence or ideals in these choices. Good witnesses can guide us toward a greater integration in this regard.
Good witnesses, in my language, assist us in moving toward our fullest, most alive and joyful selves. In their acceptance and approval of all they understand about us, they provide ready fuel for movement toward our more expanded hopes and visions for our lives. Much of that movement requires a measure of letting go. Witnesses support healthy “letting go” processes as opposed to ones emphasizing “pushing away from.” Good witnesses encourage and emphasize “moving toward” energy and attention. They often ask us “What if…?” or “Imagine if…? at the right time.
Our pool of potential witnesses? Parents, siblings, partners, kids, friends, co-workers, therapists, spiritual counselors, yourself, perhaps God. Some can be too emotionally entangled with you to be a good witness. (I think high levels of sexual attraction can substantially interfere with the quality of witness/witnessed interplay and become either a substitute for vulnerability to help evolve us, or be the sole source of such openness. On the other hand, strong chemistry can prove to be a portal toward deeper levels of witnessing.) Those outside your closest circle can sometimes “get” you or a key aspect of you better, unclouded by history and expectations. That’s part of the reason many of us have considered or sought counseling of one form or another; not only to get answers or develop plans for difficult issues, but for a quality of witnessing absent in our life. That being said, our best witnesses are often those who know our “swamp” – our roots, our early days on the planet.
It’s common these days to develop or deepen friendships through social networks like Facebook, chat rooms, blogs and general forums. While not questioning whether these are friendships, I do have thoughts as to whether good witnesses can be found in friendships if their sole meeting ground is in cyberspace. In-person communication features a good deal of talking, but the other forms of communicating turn out to be more powerful and revealing. We pick up and convey a lot of information from facial expressions, broad body language and even light physical contact such as a hand briefly grasping our shoulder. Audio chats can supply tone and video chats some of the body language, but neither generates the “truth” in being an arm’s length apart. (The value of non-verbal witnessing is best exemplified in that of a nurturing parent with a child. Even as adults we can bask in a certain glance, gesture or touch by such a parent.) On the other hand, some of us don’t begin opening up until later in life. In these cases, Facebook friendships may provide an initiation into allowing ourselves to be witnessed.
The kind and amount of good witnessing in our lives depends somewhat on us. How comfortable are we exposing our dreams, our fears? Some of us have been abused, taken advantage of or ridiculed enough in our lives so that we’ve become very protective, closed. Can you begin now to allow yourself to be known by one carefully chosen person? The risk may feel great, but so often the reward is worth braving through. For others, I recommend allowing, even inviting more witnessing into your lives, short of where it feels suffocating. Keep in mind that witnessing expressed requires good listening on the part of the witnessed; in this case, us.
It can require practice to recognize genuine witnessing. Some of those close to us may be a good witness one minute and “judge and jury” the next (or at least seemingly tuned out to the real or best us). When the latter occurs, we’re tempted to paint all their comments with a black brush, but a patient review can catch the muddied gems. Some are good at witnessing, but use it as an exploitative tool. (In my experience, there are many men who use this, consciously or not, to manipulate women, much more so than either gender uses witnessing in this way on their own or the other gender.) This is akin to using nuclear power for weapons instead of providing necessary energy for our lives. One way that good witnessing can be recognized over time is that it asks nothing in exchange, has no agendas, hidden or otherwise.
Sometimes people preach their “advice,” demand of us that we be a certain way. This is not good witness behavior. You know the difference, or you will know better after considering the subject as we are here.
It is rare that one good witnesses will contradict another. They each may be more connected to one aspect of your nature than another. Also, you will often find that apparently conflicting witnessing can be reconciled in such a way that both perspectives are valid.
In what ways can we be a good witness to ourselves? Taking an inventory of your strengths is a good thing. Generally we are aware of and make use our strengths, but certainly there are times when that is not the case. We can preserve the essential spirit of dreams for ourselves and think of even little ways to further them in our present lives. Recall qualities or skills you had especially from when you were 10-18 years old. Thaw out ones which you still value but seem to have frozen back then.
We can also collect small self-observations and notice tendencies which are getting in our way. Without getting all perfectionist about it, I did this for about six months. Whenever I felt a bit off – an “error” of thought or preparation, failing to communicate well or perhaps a physical mistake – I made a brief note on a huge sheet of paper. After awhile, I found some themes, discovered some meaning in the splotches outside the central canvas of my days. At the time my big two were realizing I could listen better and recognizing there were more times when I would benefit from paying more attention to details.
Between the witnessing others provide and your self-witnessing, you can create an accessible profile of your core power and areas of potential growth. This list emerges out of who you are rather than what others want. As you decide to be more awake, conscious of who you are and what your preferences are, you may also work with props as reminders of your intent. Well-placed simple notes with just one key word can do the trick. The sound of water in different areas of your home can remind you to stay fluid in your thoughts and actions. Plants can remind you of nurturing and growth.
Honest perspectives are central to good witnessing. With this in mind. I took myself to task one important day about four years ago. Taking dead aim, laying it all out, I listed even the smallest ways I could recall in which I had been or continued to be dishonest (very much including deceiving myself). It began with a determination to be honest with the list! Observing these tendencies, small though they may be for some of you, may prove a pivotal step toward freeing energy and improving your relationship with yourself and others. That certainly has been my experience.
Service to others is thought to be a significant contributor to happiness, along with making us feel like good people. Being a good witness to others is a form of such service, just less formal or obvious than most. I believe it is best that we first witness well those we have chosen to be closest to us. That established, see how you can extend more good witnessing into all your connections, however brief.
Do take care that good witnessing does not head down a slippery slope toward judgment. Verbally communicate your witnessing with a calm, soft voice. Sometimes just catch others “doing something good,” at least to balance a world which seems to scold more than praise. Consider that just being heard well may be enough to calm someone down who is used to fights or being rejected. It is not solely that it catches them by surprise. I think being heard is something significant which they truly seek, yet have long forgotten how to ask for or obtain.
This topic may inspire you to better access hidden gold in your life. I believe we are now on a general path in which witnessing by various names will be more cultivated. Physical attraction, common interests and values are all good ingredients for promising relationships. I think it is time to add mutual potential for good witnessing to that group. Imagine a world of such relationships creating future generations…
Friday, February 5, 2010
Movie Time
Are you a movie fan like me? Here's a list to consider...
“The Big Chill” (1983)
“Forrest Gump” (1994)
“Finding Nemo” (2003)
“Crash” (2004)
“Little Miss Sunshine” (2006)
“Juno” (2007)
Movie watching is the only thing I had as a real hobby for many, many years until this blog occurred to me and took off. I have seen a tremendous number of movies – foreign, indie, animated, you name it. The six movies grouped above rank between high and very high for me in terms of ones I have experienced as both enjoyable and meaningful. Some you may like, some you may not. I heartily recommend you see any on the list that you’ve missed.
I clearly like or love many more movies, so why have I gathered these particular ones here? It’s not something I can sum up in one word or one sentence, much as that would be a neat trick. They were all well received by the Academy. “Gump” and “Nemo” were hugely popular. “Little Miss Sunshine” and “Juno” were surprises which grew on people. However, it is neither that nor the high quality of casting in all of these which compels my writing this morning.
Collectively these movies feature characters which face handicaps and emergencies. There are ones who experience or witness unexpected births or deaths. They all fight with their situations and emotions. They stumble and fall. They hide one moment and come out seeking the next. They break through barriers, of both attitude (theirs and others) and circumstance.
Mainly, the key people or fish in these movies persevere. Some emerge happier, more confident, more alive to their feelings and to the world they inhabit. They all are wiser, and none the worse for this wisdom, however roughly it arrived. They change, they grow and in that process affect others close to them – sometimes a little, sometimes quite a bit. Remember Forrest Gump overcoming his physical handicap to eventually run across the United States, how his humble, earnest perspectives won hearts of others and changed some who needed hope…how Nemo transformed his circumstance of being lost and frightened into a coming-of-age adventure providing the opportunity for others to wake up and make choices of their own…how Olive’s determination to be a beauty contestant, her sometimes fragile/ mostly strong belief in herself, was the catalyst bringing her dysfunctional family together for a journey of spirit more than they possibly could have imagined. There is much more to those three movies than my snapshot lines can capture, and great gems from the three other films on the list.
It’s fair to say that “Life is life and movies are movies.” However, feelings of inspiration are to be treasured and fed. Whatever moves us in that direction is so nourishing for our spirits that it is well worth revisiting those experiences where we can. It’s best when we get these in our own lives, of course. Overcoming difficulties needn’t be our sole source of inspiration. Some people inspire us as they take natural gifts and fortunate circumstances, adding tremendous effort to do wondrous things. Helping or working with others, sometimes just being a good witness can be like bathing in an inspirational pool. Certain movies can remind us of those real life possibilities. I like the term "cinematherapy" to describe the broad capacity some movies have to heal and inspire.
I'm sure you have movies which you value for similar reasons. It would be great if you send comments with titles of those movies along with something which touched you from them.
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Preparing for Change
Desire and motivation are usually linked, but they are fairly different creatures. You may have a practical motivation to change something without any desire whatsoever, no emotional interest. You may have a general desire for a change without, say, a time crunch motivating you to pursue it right now. These words come up a lot when speaking of change, so I thought I’d establish some distinction between them.
This may be familiar: you have both the desire and motivation to make a change or perhaps several changes. You could even have a list, a plan. Perhaps you’ve visualized what these changes would involve and how they could affect your life. One problem. Your “car” won’t start, or if it does, it stops every few yards.
I’m not talking about emergency decisions. Just everyday choices that require some degree of effort if real change is to be a result.
This is a feeling which many experience, this inertia. It feels part physical, part psychological. It’s heavy. Whether the source is a bit of depression or not, awareness of this sense of being unable to get out of our own way and do things we want to do, often things which unquestionably would be of benefit…just this awareness can feel depressing. What is wrong with us???
Individually, each person could work to examine the psychological roots of this gap between a desire and the energy to move in that direction. Do that if you choose to. You may find freedom through understanding. I have another approach in mind, one which I'll share with you after some brief observations on age and how it often relates to change.
I do think on average, as the years roll on, there is a tendency to have greater difficulty with change, even fairly simple change which we are initiating. There is a time factor for one thing. Changes we make when we are young can make a difference for a long time, while some changes made relatively late in life will impact fairly little. There are changes which can be experiments whose benefits take awhile to test. When you don’t have so much time, you are more likely to continue with what you know in these cases. As well, the more perceived risk involved in a change, the more resiliency may be required if it doesn’t work for us; resiliency being a trait we may have possessed in spades in our teens and twenties, but not so much in our fifties and beyond.
Also, change is rarely just a matter of attitude. There is a brain-body-habit component to nearly everything we do. It takes a certain degree of elasticity combined with energy to make shifts, especially durable shifts. We simply have more of both when we are younger. I’ve met a couple of exceptions, who were once young farts and then found energy, fun, looseness in a process of aging well…but these are rare.
Let’s stop there on age-related issues even though more could be written. My goal there was to lend perspective on some of the natural differences in dealing with change depending on one's stage in life.
If you are young, you can develop in a way which will make you more flexible both now and for your long future. If you are more mature, you probably have more patience than the “kids,” and may take to my suggestions and stay with them longer, increasing the chances that they stick. What I will recommend applies to people of any age, particularly those who are beginning to abandon their dreams of change because they don’t feel equipped to do anything about them.
Some of you are expecting brutal homework; something which will cost you time in your crowded day, something only a nerdy instruction follower will actually try applying to their lives. Good news! I’m just not that cruel or impractical. I’m on your side and I hope you get some of the results that I’ve experienced.
What is required of you is that you be a little relaxed, open-minded, free with some of the experimental child I hope you can still access. If you are compulsive (short of a full-blown disorder), this will be a challenge, highlighting your need to start “mixing it up.”
SHIFT WHAT IS AFFORDABLE IN YOUR ROUTINE!
Work on this like it’s your own private, silly yet purposeful game. Anything you can do differently without affecting something critical – like safety or time delay you clearly cannot afford – is now up for grabs. Make each day as different from every other day, inch by inch. Mess it up a little, add flair! While there is a lot of necessary and some enjoyable repetition in our lives, there’s quite a bit which is unnecessary and numbing re-run. Your life may be so locked down with predictable routine that you can relate too well to the movie “Groundhog Day.” Even that sort of life…especially that sort of life has room for freshness without a radical makeover. First, I’ll give you some examples, then I’ll give you my spin on how this will help you.
There are so many things you can do differently just by switching the hand you normally use to do something. Some activities clearly depend on your dominant hand, but a considerable number do not. Change the hand you squeeze shampoo into. Brush your teeth with the other hand. Use the other hand to hold cups. Grab door handles with the “opposite” hand. Change the lead hand you steer with. You’ll find so many others. Change and change back…the idea is to stay loose, not to replace one way with the other. (If you don't get the ultimate value I have in mind, at least you'll become more ambidextrous!)
Other ideas. Bathe yourself, get dressed in a different sequence. Shave your legs or face starting with the opposite side you are used to. Park your car intentionally further away from your destination or take a slower route to get there, time permitting. Change the music volume you are used to wherever you are.
Exercise routines are very easy to vary, even just slightly. One basic physical thing is to notice which leg you tend to lean on when standing. Once you’ve established that, switch when you catch yourself doing it!
Changes that others might consider weird…keep these off camera for now. The goal isn’t attention; it’s freedom, practicing change in innocent incremental ways. It’s also to increase your awareness, to reduce your conditioned behavior. If you add doses of this into your daily life, I feel sure that more significant change will begin to seem easier and more inviting.
It may take a few weeks, even a couple of months for the benefits of this behavior to kick in…in the meantime have as much fun with it as you can and don’t measure the success by how quickly you feel more confident about handling change in general.
So as to hopefully strike a chord with any of you for whom this still feels pointless, let me leave you with this analogy…
In school most of us seemed to learn a lot we’ve never had use for later in life. (I’m very good with “quick” math, but all I recall from calculus was our bizarre high school teacher.) Much of it was to exercise our minds; teaching us how to think, to organize ideas. It can be the same with change. Make a lot of little changes which appear to have no meaning by themselves, with the purpose of making you more comfortable with change, more fluent in its language.
This may be familiar: you have both the desire and motivation to make a change or perhaps several changes. You could even have a list, a plan. Perhaps you’ve visualized what these changes would involve and how they could affect your life. One problem. Your “car” won’t start, or if it does, it stops every few yards.
I’m not talking about emergency decisions. Just everyday choices that require some degree of effort if real change is to be a result.
This is a feeling which many experience, this inertia. It feels part physical, part psychological. It’s heavy. Whether the source is a bit of depression or not, awareness of this sense of being unable to get out of our own way and do things we want to do, often things which unquestionably would be of benefit…just this awareness can feel depressing. What is wrong with us???
Individually, each person could work to examine the psychological roots of this gap between a desire and the energy to move in that direction. Do that if you choose to. You may find freedom through understanding. I have another approach in mind, one which I'll share with you after some brief observations on age and how it often relates to change.
I do think on average, as the years roll on, there is a tendency to have greater difficulty with change, even fairly simple change which we are initiating. There is a time factor for one thing. Changes we make when we are young can make a difference for a long time, while some changes made relatively late in life will impact fairly little. There are changes which can be experiments whose benefits take awhile to test. When you don’t have so much time, you are more likely to continue with what you know in these cases. As well, the more perceived risk involved in a change, the more resiliency may be required if it doesn’t work for us; resiliency being a trait we may have possessed in spades in our teens and twenties, but not so much in our fifties and beyond.
Also, change is rarely just a matter of attitude. There is a brain-body-habit component to nearly everything we do. It takes a certain degree of elasticity combined with energy to make shifts, especially durable shifts. We simply have more of both when we are younger. I’ve met a couple of exceptions, who were once young farts and then found energy, fun, looseness in a process of aging well…but these are rare.
Let’s stop there on age-related issues even though more could be written. My goal there was to lend perspective on some of the natural differences in dealing with change depending on one's stage in life.
If you are young, you can develop in a way which will make you more flexible both now and for your long future. If you are more mature, you probably have more patience than the “kids,” and may take to my suggestions and stay with them longer, increasing the chances that they stick. What I will recommend applies to people of any age, particularly those who are beginning to abandon their dreams of change because they don’t feel equipped to do anything about them.
Some of you are expecting brutal homework; something which will cost you time in your crowded day, something only a nerdy instruction follower will actually try applying to their lives. Good news! I’m just not that cruel or impractical. I’m on your side and I hope you get some of the results that I’ve experienced.
What is required of you is that you be a little relaxed, open-minded, free with some of the experimental child I hope you can still access. If you are compulsive (short of a full-blown disorder), this will be a challenge, highlighting your need to start “mixing it up.”
SHIFT WHAT IS AFFORDABLE IN YOUR ROUTINE!
Work on this like it’s your own private, silly yet purposeful game. Anything you can do differently without affecting something critical – like safety or time delay you clearly cannot afford – is now up for grabs. Make each day as different from every other day, inch by inch. Mess it up a little, add flair! While there is a lot of necessary and some enjoyable repetition in our lives, there’s quite a bit which is unnecessary and numbing re-run. Your life may be so locked down with predictable routine that you can relate too well to the movie “Groundhog Day.” Even that sort of life…especially that sort of life has room for freshness without a radical makeover. First, I’ll give you some examples, then I’ll give you my spin on how this will help you.
There are so many things you can do differently just by switching the hand you normally use to do something. Some activities clearly depend on your dominant hand, but a considerable number do not. Change the hand you squeeze shampoo into. Brush your teeth with the other hand. Use the other hand to hold cups. Grab door handles with the “opposite” hand. Change the lead hand you steer with. You’ll find so many others. Change and change back…the idea is to stay loose, not to replace one way with the other. (If you don't get the ultimate value I have in mind, at least you'll become more ambidextrous!)
Other ideas. Bathe yourself, get dressed in a different sequence. Shave your legs or face starting with the opposite side you are used to. Park your car intentionally further away from your destination or take a slower route to get there, time permitting. Change the music volume you are used to wherever you are.
Exercise routines are very easy to vary, even just slightly. One basic physical thing is to notice which leg you tend to lean on when standing. Once you’ve established that, switch when you catch yourself doing it!
Changes that others might consider weird…keep these off camera for now. The goal isn’t attention; it’s freedom, practicing change in innocent incremental ways. It’s also to increase your awareness, to reduce your conditioned behavior. If you add doses of this into your daily life, I feel sure that more significant change will begin to seem easier and more inviting.
It may take a few weeks, even a couple of months for the benefits of this behavior to kick in…in the meantime have as much fun with it as you can and don’t measure the success by how quickly you feel more confident about handling change in general.
So as to hopefully strike a chord with any of you for whom this still feels pointless, let me leave you with this analogy…
In school most of us seemed to learn a lot we’ve never had use for later in life. (I’m very good with “quick” math, but all I recall from calculus was our bizarre high school teacher.) Much of it was to exercise our minds; teaching us how to think, to organize ideas. It can be the same with change. Make a lot of little changes which appear to have no meaning by themselves, with the purpose of making you more comfortable with change, more fluent in its language.
The Invitation
(For those who are enjoying this blog and would like others with whom you have a light connection to experience what we are creating and sharing, I have written something brief you may want to include in a note to them.)
Hi,
Welcome to a developing community of those seeking thoughts and discussions on change - how we respond to change and how we initiate it in our lives. This blog is quite new, less than two months old, and it's a great time to feel it evolve. But whenever you choose to begin taking a few minutes a week to consider some of what is explored in this blog called "Openings," I think you will feel the desire to return more and more. That would be the part of you thirsting for wisdom, for perspective, for balance in a swirling, sometimes chaotic world and hopefully finding a voice and a space which seems to want the same things for you.
You are invited to enter wilsnellings.blogspot.com
Peace,
Wil
Hi,
Welcome to a developing community of those seeking thoughts and discussions on change - how we respond to change and how we initiate it in our lives. This blog is quite new, less than two months old, and it's a great time to feel it evolve. But whenever you choose to begin taking a few minutes a week to consider some of what is explored in this blog called "Openings," I think you will feel the desire to return more and more. That would be the part of you thirsting for wisdom, for perspective, for balance in a swirling, sometimes chaotic world and hopefully finding a voice and a space which seems to want the same things for you.
You are invited to enter wilsnellings.blogspot.com
Peace,
Wil
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Thank You
At this early stage of our shared experience of this blog, I’d like to say “Thank you” for your readership and increasingly, for your comments as well. Those who like what’s here seem to be mentioning it to others, as the number of “hits” has swelled considerably since we began several weeks ago. This small sphere of thoughts and feelings, observations and strategies may yet blossom into a small community.
For my part, I am enjoying this immensely. I turned 50 last year. I still play a couple of sports adequately though sporadically. I walk a lot. I love movies – as does my wife, fortunately. I read some during my vacations. But as an adult, I’ve never had a hobby, something I make an effort to do whenever I can.
I’m not a car buff. I don’t have a favorite team. I don’t sky dive. Hunting, fishing, ATV outings – not my thing. I like politics every four years, but I don’t have a news obsession. I don’t Twitter or text message. I’m not on Facebook (yet). I haven’t played poker in nearly twenty years. I’m not part of a strategic life simulation community. Heck, I’ve only played about three hours of video games since I was in college! I’m a busy guy, but you can see where I might have some time to take care of this blog.
That this is a hobby keeps it fresh for me. I only have to write because I want to write, and even then the posting every 7-14 days allows me to slowly organize my thoughts. Sometimes I plan early to write on a topic and then change my mind based on a comment someone sends or just some stream of events or thoughts prior to my deadline. I’m allowed decent flexibility and I intend to keep using it. Otherwise, I’ll be rolling out variations like “Forgiveness: Parte Deux,” “Forgiveness: Return of The Anger,” “Being Forgiven” and “A Review of The Movie ‘Unforgiven’.”
Back to you guys. The range of comments is great, and nearly half of them have been ones you wrote over the past week, so perhaps more comfort in the process is developing. I know a couple of people who found a glitch in the posting process. I put a note in the right margin which should eliminate the issue they experienced. As for topics, I have a huge list from which I intend to draw future posts. You can assist me by e-mailing ones you feel should be priorities.
For my part, I am enjoying this immensely. I turned 50 last year. I still play a couple of sports adequately though sporadically. I walk a lot. I love movies – as does my wife, fortunately. I read some during my vacations. But as an adult, I’ve never had a hobby, something I make an effort to do whenever I can.
I’m not a car buff. I don’t have a favorite team. I don’t sky dive. Hunting, fishing, ATV outings – not my thing. I like politics every four years, but I don’t have a news obsession. I don’t Twitter or text message. I’m not on Facebook (yet). I haven’t played poker in nearly twenty years. I’m not part of a strategic life simulation community. Heck, I’ve only played about three hours of video games since I was in college! I’m a busy guy, but you can see where I might have some time to take care of this blog.
That this is a hobby keeps it fresh for me. I only have to write because I want to write, and even then the posting every 7-14 days allows me to slowly organize my thoughts. Sometimes I plan early to write on a topic and then change my mind based on a comment someone sends or just some stream of events or thoughts prior to my deadline. I’m allowed decent flexibility and I intend to keep using it. Otherwise, I’ll be rolling out variations like “Forgiveness: Parte Deux,” “Forgiveness: Return of The Anger,” “Being Forgiven” and “A Review of The Movie ‘Unforgiven’.”
Back to you guys. The range of comments is great, and nearly half of them have been ones you wrote over the past week, so perhaps more comfort in the process is developing. I know a couple of people who found a glitch in the posting process. I put a note in the right margin which should eliminate the issue they experienced. As for topics, I have a huge list from which I intend to draw future posts. You can assist me by e-mailing ones you feel should be priorities.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Quoteworthy
Some provocative quotes to ponder, related to the topic we are concluding. As always, I welcome comments.
“If I learned anything in my life, it is that bitterness consumes the vessel that contains it.” – Rubin “Hurricane” Carter
“If we could read the secret history of our enemies we should find in each person’s life sorrow and suffering enough to disarm all hostility.” – Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
“If it were all so simple! If there were evil people somewhere insidiously committing evil deeds, and it were necessary only to separate them from the rest of us and destroy them. But the line dividing good and evil cuts through the heart of every human being. And who is willing to destroy a piece of his own heart?” – Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn
“Forgiveness is not always easy. At times, it feels more painful than the wound we suffered, to forgive the one that inflicted it. And yet, there is no peace without forgiveness.” – Marianne Williamson
“To know all is to forgive all.” – St. Thomas Aquinas
“If I learned anything in my life, it is that bitterness consumes the vessel that contains it.” – Rubin “Hurricane” Carter
“If we could read the secret history of our enemies we should find in each person’s life sorrow and suffering enough to disarm all hostility.” – Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
“If it were all so simple! If there were evil people somewhere insidiously committing evil deeds, and it were necessary only to separate them from the rest of us and destroy them. But the line dividing good and evil cuts through the heart of every human being. And who is willing to destroy a piece of his own heart?” – Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn
“Forgiveness is not always easy. At times, it feels more painful than the wound we suffered, to forgive the one that inflicted it. And yet, there is no peace without forgiveness.” – Marianne Williamson
“To know all is to forgive all.” – St. Thomas Aquinas
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
A Few More Thoughts on Forgiveness…
In reading some off-blog comments, you reminded me of one central truth: forgiveness is an emotional topic most of the time. How, why and when we forgive is so variable – an almost mysterious process. I may have seemed too focused on a programmed approach. It is a suggestion, rather than something I am preaching as in, “This is the best way to go about forgiving. It’s working for me and it will work for you!” I recognize that forgiveness is good whenever and however it can be generated.
One thing you might consider – who benefits most from the process of forgiveness?
We tend to think of forgiveness as a gift for someone else (when not speaking of self-forgiveness) in granting it personally. In this spirit, it’s as if we consider whether we can afford it, whether we can get something by doing it, more than believing in its intrinsic value. Maybe a “Thank you” is deserved in response to “I forgive you,” but often the other person doesn’t feel they need forgiving, and missing the “Thank you,” we feel gypped. Even forgiving a person who is on their deathbed, we are a bit inclined to think this should get us credits in our faith or that he or she is fortunate to be released from our justified judgment, in word if not always in thought.
Some relationships, active or not, feature two-way non-forgiveness, with each person feeling wronged. If you extend forgiveness in such a situation, you might keep light your hope that this will produce the same from the other person. It happens like that more frequently on sitcoms than in real life.
Along those lines, aren’t we more likely to forgive someone if their life isn’t looking so good (compared with ours or compared to how theirs used to be)? I think it takes more strength to do this while their lives appear fine. Instead, consciously or not, we wait for them to suffer and then begin to ponder whether their karma has played out enough.
If you desire to forgive another directly but they are unavailable due to death or other circumstances, I like the idea of writing a letter. You can save the letter or perhaps let it go by fire or water in some ritual. Just write it in a genuine spirit as if the other person would hear these words. You are likely to experience a surprising peace from this.
There are times when you are ready to move toward forgiving someone, and yet know this will be difficult. I recommend a meditative approach. I find that closing my eyes while I do this clears more space in my mind and heart for the work. Take as much time as you need, while keeping a commitment to your goal. Sometimes just 5-10 minutes each day is enough attention. There are days you sense progress and other days where your resistance to forgiving feels overwhelming. That’s normal. When you feel the pain, the discomfort…see if you can witness those feelings rather than drowning in them. Sit with those feelings as long as you can, without “feeding” them. The next time this occurs, see if you can sit with them a little longer.
A parting thought, inspired by a segment on “The Today Show” this morning…there can be shades of gray in forgiveness. Sometimes, innocent third parties can benefit by at least your granting a “stay” of judgment or execution of someone by thought. Hopefully, you will allow plenty of time for your gesture to bear fruit. Even in challenging circumstances, you may ultimately find this compromise for the good of another assists you toward really letting go one day.
One thing you might consider – who benefits most from the process of forgiveness?
We tend to think of forgiveness as a gift for someone else (when not speaking of self-forgiveness) in granting it personally. In this spirit, it’s as if we consider whether we can afford it, whether we can get something by doing it, more than believing in its intrinsic value. Maybe a “Thank you” is deserved in response to “I forgive you,” but often the other person doesn’t feel they need forgiving, and missing the “Thank you,” we feel gypped. Even forgiving a person who is on their deathbed, we are a bit inclined to think this should get us credits in our faith or that he or she is fortunate to be released from our justified judgment, in word if not always in thought.
Some relationships, active or not, feature two-way non-forgiveness, with each person feeling wronged. If you extend forgiveness in such a situation, you might keep light your hope that this will produce the same from the other person. It happens like that more frequently on sitcoms than in real life.
Along those lines, aren’t we more likely to forgive someone if their life isn’t looking so good (compared with ours or compared to how theirs used to be)? I think it takes more strength to do this while their lives appear fine. Instead, consciously or not, we wait for them to suffer and then begin to ponder whether their karma has played out enough.
If you desire to forgive another directly but they are unavailable due to death or other circumstances, I like the idea of writing a letter. You can save the letter or perhaps let it go by fire or water in some ritual. Just write it in a genuine spirit as if the other person would hear these words. You are likely to experience a surprising peace from this.
There are times when you are ready to move toward forgiving someone, and yet know this will be difficult. I recommend a meditative approach. I find that closing my eyes while I do this clears more space in my mind and heart for the work. Take as much time as you need, while keeping a commitment to your goal. Sometimes just 5-10 minutes each day is enough attention. There are days you sense progress and other days where your resistance to forgiving feels overwhelming. That’s normal. When you feel the pain, the discomfort…see if you can witness those feelings rather than drowning in them. Sit with those feelings as long as you can, without “feeding” them. The next time this occurs, see if you can sit with them a little longer.
A parting thought, inspired by a segment on “The Today Show” this morning…there can be shades of gray in forgiveness. Sometimes, innocent third parties can benefit by at least your granting a “stay” of judgment or execution of someone by thought. Hopefully, you will allow plenty of time for your gesture to bear fruit. Even in challenging circumstances, you may ultimately find this compromise for the good of another assists you toward really letting go one day.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Forgiveness
Part Two of “Initiating Changes”
Forgiveness is such an important topic, that continuing where we left off with that subject seems best.
Until about six years ago, my own ability to forgive was probably average. What set me on a different path? Perhaps the accumulation of reading which kept mentioning the power of forgiveness. Or could it be that something inside me was calling out for an important shift?
I know I was captivated by the possibility of freeing up energy. Expanding my compassion and becoming less judgmental also appealed to my desire to evolve as a person. I began to acknowledge this as well: that which we do not forgive begins to accumulate, forming a sort of storyline of grievance. We become invested in this internal conversation, one we may dramatize with great flourish. By not forgiving, our judgments, complaints, grudges, and self-recriminations trend toward becoming a fixture of our identity.
With determination, I began to list people I intended to forgive, along with general behaviors and specific actions. I returned to consider my anger, resentments and embarrassments collected over the years. I kept a notebook close at hand, and every day I penned subjects for potential forgiveness. I was on a mission of sorts – due to faith in the value of my project and curiosity as to the effect on my life. I allowed myself as much time as necessary to add to the list, until I felt I had run out of valuable real estate.
I was surprised by how much forgiving was on my plate, considering my life to that point had been quite fortunate on balance. My parents were featured prominently on my list, to different degrees… I suspect it will be the same for most of you. By weight my father was the one person with whom I needed to make the most peace. But the person who I had to forgive the most things? ME. Yep, that’s right. What an annoying person I must have been to that point – mainly to myself. If you start a list of forgiveness, you may be so absorbed in the heavy, long-standing recriminations and finger-pointing that you leave yourself off the list. All I can say from my experience is how my inward honesty was tough at first, and so freeing at last.
Step One. My soul-searching list creation took about ten days. I burned the list in a ceremony of sorts at the very end, signifying what I felt to be considerable releasing and healing. I’m getting ahead of myself, partly as an explanation for why I don’t have direct evidence remaining. If memory serves, there were nearly 125 items on the list.
Step two. Samurai warriors who, when facing multiple attackers, fight them in sequence from the toughest to weakest. If they can handle the tough ones, the others become intimidated, sometimes fleeing. Here it’s more about the confidence gained for yourself with this approach to your Forgiveness List. If you’d rather sneak around and then slowly work up to your biggies, that’s understandable and fine… Whatever works.
The third step is the key. How do we begin to forgive that which we haven’t forgiven recently or ever? How do we forgive ourselves when few of us are used to considering that at all?
Who are you forgiving? Parents, significant others, children, employers…What types of things are you considering forgiving? Abuse, betrayal, disappointment, important lies, insufficient love – these are the big ones. You can run the gamut down to things which are small in the grand scheme of things but which bother you all the same.
I feel beginning with self-forgiveness works best. Maybe it’s an extension of the reasonable notion that if you can’t love yourself, you can’t love anyone else.
Two of the essential ingredients leading toward genuine forgiveness are perspective and empathy. (Here I repeat: Forgiveness of a person does not require acceptance of behavior.)
It is hardly sufficient to say, “Well, I guess it’s time to let that go.” You need to consider why there has been an issue with something. How did you feel, how have you felt about it? Have you benefitted in any way from this, in terms of learning at least, despite the bad feelings? For instance, sometimes we learn much from experiencing what not to do.
Seeing ourselves honestly…reviewing our actions and our feelings regarding them – as we come to terms with the more difficult examples, this paves the road to be more compassionate towards others. Compassion is tested in this way. We can all feel compassion for the starving child in a UNICEF commercial. Can we forgive our father for intentionally breaking our bicycle as a form of punishment?
There are some who live and think in ways which emphasize separation, isolation. For them, people, ideas, events, emotions are distinct… they brush up against each other, share some time and space, but otherwise are independent entities. There are aspects of our modern world which encourage such a sense of alienation. Can this make forgiveness more difficult? I believe so.
It is through a sense of relatedness, connection that we can move from self–forgiveness to forgiveness of others. As we appreciate their hard-wiring, motives and shortcomings to be somewhere on the same continuums as ours, however differently placed they may be; then we can stir empathy and release judgment.
Some of our non-forgiveness of others comes down to simply, "I wouldn't have done the same thing." Perhaps not, but you weren't in that person's shoes. Without removing responsibility from the equation, it remains important in much deep forgiving, to consider as best you can: a life lived with another's specific genes, environmental influences of personal life and cultural history - including beliefs, fears and observed behavior. It's nearly impossible to meaningfully achieve, but a decent effort along these lines is likely to create at least a small shift in you. You may come to a few more junctures of "I don't approve, but I understand." When that understanding is borne of empathy rather than intellectual formulation, you are entering the zone of genuine forgiveness.
I forgave myself for disappointing my parents by leading the life of a professional gambler, for taking too much risk several times and creating problems with losses, for relationships I didn’t always “show up for”… and another forty or so things.
I acknowledged some arrogant and self-destructive and emotionally guarded aspects of myself which were warped byproducts of how I adapted in my family. I understood their nature and source and began the process of lightening the hold of their patterns.
This all took a few weeks to work through back then, and I assure you I’m still revisiting my commitments and discovering new issues. The initial effect was significant and on the whole, quite lasting. As well, my self-forgiveness proved to be the great bridge toward forgiving others.
Then came the “forgiving others” phase. What was important throughout is that I take things carefully and seriously. I found quiet time to focus my energy on each person. Often I would imagine they were a child of between five and eight years old. I did my best to sense who they were and how some of their later issues were already developing. This was one method I used to elicit empathy.
I should mention this: with major people on your list, it’s much easier to forgive the person generally than to forgive specific actions of theirs.
As with the “self-forgiveness” phase, this took some time. The important thing is to stick with it as if something vital depends on it. Rushing to “forgiveness-lite” will likely prove detrimental, especially if you go beyond thought, to the territory of extending words and gestures toward a person. You may snap back to even greater resentment/judgment, perhaps adding self-recriminations.
[To the greatest extent you can, forgive others while they are alive.]
You can’t do this all at once. Some things on your list you may never forgive. Forgive yourself for holding on and feeling that to be necessary…or not.
Am I a better person for doing this? Certainly I feel better. I also like myself more. I compare myself to others less. I judge myself and others on fewer occasions.
A summary thought on the subject by someone with considerable life experience…
“Make peace with the past so it won’t screw up the present.”
– Regina Brett (90 year old columnist)
Forgiveness is such an important topic, that continuing where we left off with that subject seems best.
Until about six years ago, my own ability to forgive was probably average. What set me on a different path? Perhaps the accumulation of reading which kept mentioning the power of forgiveness. Or could it be that something inside me was calling out for an important shift?
I know I was captivated by the possibility of freeing up energy. Expanding my compassion and becoming less judgmental also appealed to my desire to evolve as a person. I began to acknowledge this as well: that which we do not forgive begins to accumulate, forming a sort of storyline of grievance. We become invested in this internal conversation, one we may dramatize with great flourish. By not forgiving, our judgments, complaints, grudges, and self-recriminations trend toward becoming a fixture of our identity.
With determination, I began to list people I intended to forgive, along with general behaviors and specific actions. I returned to consider my anger, resentments and embarrassments collected over the years. I kept a notebook close at hand, and every day I penned subjects for potential forgiveness. I was on a mission of sorts – due to faith in the value of my project and curiosity as to the effect on my life. I allowed myself as much time as necessary to add to the list, until I felt I had run out of valuable real estate.
I was surprised by how much forgiving was on my plate, considering my life to that point had been quite fortunate on balance. My parents were featured prominently on my list, to different degrees… I suspect it will be the same for most of you. By weight my father was the one person with whom I needed to make the most peace. But the person who I had to forgive the most things? ME. Yep, that’s right. What an annoying person I must have been to that point – mainly to myself. If you start a list of forgiveness, you may be so absorbed in the heavy, long-standing recriminations and finger-pointing that you leave yourself off the list. All I can say from my experience is how my inward honesty was tough at first, and so freeing at last.
Step One. My soul-searching list creation took about ten days. I burned the list in a ceremony of sorts at the very end, signifying what I felt to be considerable releasing and healing. I’m getting ahead of myself, partly as an explanation for why I don’t have direct evidence remaining. If memory serves, there were nearly 125 items on the list.
Step two. Samurai warriors who, when facing multiple attackers, fight them in sequence from the toughest to weakest. If they can handle the tough ones, the others become intimidated, sometimes fleeing. Here it’s more about the confidence gained for yourself with this approach to your Forgiveness List. If you’d rather sneak around and then slowly work up to your biggies, that’s understandable and fine… Whatever works.
The third step is the key. How do we begin to forgive that which we haven’t forgiven recently or ever? How do we forgive ourselves when few of us are used to considering that at all?
Who are you forgiving? Parents, significant others, children, employers…What types of things are you considering forgiving? Abuse, betrayal, disappointment, important lies, insufficient love – these are the big ones. You can run the gamut down to things which are small in the grand scheme of things but which bother you all the same.
I feel beginning with self-forgiveness works best. Maybe it’s an extension of the reasonable notion that if you can’t love yourself, you can’t love anyone else.
Two of the essential ingredients leading toward genuine forgiveness are perspective and empathy. (Here I repeat: Forgiveness of a person does not require acceptance of behavior.)
It is hardly sufficient to say, “Well, I guess it’s time to let that go.” You need to consider why there has been an issue with something. How did you feel, how have you felt about it? Have you benefitted in any way from this, in terms of learning at least, despite the bad feelings? For instance, sometimes we learn much from experiencing what not to do.
Seeing ourselves honestly…reviewing our actions and our feelings regarding them – as we come to terms with the more difficult examples, this paves the road to be more compassionate towards others. Compassion is tested in this way. We can all feel compassion for the starving child in a UNICEF commercial. Can we forgive our father for intentionally breaking our bicycle as a form of punishment?
There are some who live and think in ways which emphasize separation, isolation. For them, people, ideas, events, emotions are distinct… they brush up against each other, share some time and space, but otherwise are independent entities. There are aspects of our modern world which encourage such a sense of alienation. Can this make forgiveness more difficult? I believe so.
It is through a sense of relatedness, connection that we can move from self–forgiveness to forgiveness of others. As we appreciate their hard-wiring, motives and shortcomings to be somewhere on the same continuums as ours, however differently placed they may be; then we can stir empathy and release judgment.
Some of our non-forgiveness of others comes down to simply, "I wouldn't have done the same thing." Perhaps not, but you weren't in that person's shoes. Without removing responsibility from the equation, it remains important in much deep forgiving, to consider as best you can: a life lived with another's specific genes, environmental influences of personal life and cultural history - including beliefs, fears and observed behavior. It's nearly impossible to meaningfully achieve, but a decent effort along these lines is likely to create at least a small shift in you. You may come to a few more junctures of "I don't approve, but I understand." When that understanding is borne of empathy rather than intellectual formulation, you are entering the zone of genuine forgiveness.
I forgave myself for disappointing my parents by leading the life of a professional gambler, for taking too much risk several times and creating problems with losses, for relationships I didn’t always “show up for”… and another forty or so things.
I acknowledged some arrogant and self-destructive and emotionally guarded aspects of myself which were warped byproducts of how I adapted in my family. I understood their nature and source and began the process of lightening the hold of their patterns.
This all took a few weeks to work through back then, and I assure you I’m still revisiting my commitments and discovering new issues. The initial effect was significant and on the whole, quite lasting. As well, my self-forgiveness proved to be the great bridge toward forgiving others.
Then came the “forgiving others” phase. What was important throughout is that I take things carefully and seriously. I found quiet time to focus my energy on each person. Often I would imagine they were a child of between five and eight years old. I did my best to sense who they were and how some of their later issues were already developing. This was one method I used to elicit empathy.
I should mention this: with major people on your list, it’s much easier to forgive the person generally than to forgive specific actions of theirs.
As with the “self-forgiveness” phase, this took some time. The important thing is to stick with it as if something vital depends on it. Rushing to “forgiveness-lite” will likely prove detrimental, especially if you go beyond thought, to the territory of extending words and gestures toward a person. You may snap back to even greater resentment/judgment, perhaps adding self-recriminations.
[To the greatest extent you can, forgive others while they are alive.]
You can’t do this all at once. Some things on your list you may never forgive. Forgive yourself for holding on and feeling that to be necessary…or not.
Am I a better person for doing this? Certainly I feel better. I also like myself more. I compare myself to others less. I judge myself and others on fewer occasions.
A summary thought on the subject by someone with considerable life experience…
“Make peace with the past so it won’t screw up the present.”
– Regina Brett (90 year old columnist)
Monday, January 4, 2010
Resolutions
(This will be Part One of “Initiating Changes”)
Happy New Year! I had another topic in mind, until my wife sensibly suggested I stay in keeping with the time of the year and discuss resolutions – the New Year’s variety or otherwise.
I’m not sure I’ve ever specifically made a New Year’s resolution, but I have made plenty of changes; some gradually, some through dramatic, of-the-moment determination. Like anyone, I have resolved and slid back often enough, either feeling guilty or weak afterwards, or sort of ignoring what didn’t transpire. At the top of the heap of resolutions still not well met by me? -becoming fluent in Spanish. I’m not proud of this, given that my wife and kids are all from Costa Rica and that I’ve studied the language quite a bit at different times. I certainly can get there and I feel I owe it to my family, whose English is excellent.
Resolutions can range from ones for small changes to significant ones; from committing to taking the dog on longer walks to ending a substance abuse addiction. They nearly all focus on breaking or braking a habit, pattern or relationship which we recognize is not serving us or those we care about.
There is some success fueled by resolutions, particularly when they are soberly formed and witnessed (the more witnesses, the better). You’ll have some idea whether your momentum is sustainable if you are at least six weeks along your fresh path. This is important to keep in mind from the outset, like identifying a first marker.
Surely, it’s not empty symbolism to join a gym or attend your first AA meeting, but it is a far cry from “half the battle.” In fact, that package of recognition of a need to change plus the first step…it might add up to 20% of the battle. It’s an essential beginning, but we tend to over-credit ourselves for it.
Gym-joining is probably the classic resolution-buster. It’s estimated that half of those who get a membership the first week of January are no-shows by mid-February! This is a poor investment even if Joe Stud from the fitness center got you a 13th month for free. In the workout quest, I strongly recommend having a “spotter” or “sponsor” who goes with you most of the time and has similar goals. If you don’t have such a person, maybe you can find one at the gym or with staff’s help. For myself, what works well is someone determined yet short of a lunatic or hyped salesman in their enthusiasm.
Issues regarding weight fill a topic by themselves. To the extent that one has control not handicapped by a medical condition, I’ll say just a couple of things here. Most of change is about shifting or freeing energy. You’ll find that I feel word choice can be quite important in both our external and internal dialogue. We have a standard of speaking in terms of “losing weight”. Consider this: the word “losing” in this context undermines the goal from the outset. We don’t like to lose. We also are used to finding or recovering that which we lose. So let’s leave the “losing” out of the plan! Think in terms of “changing shape and increasing energy” or an expression which says what you intend in a positive way.
If you are serious about change, be a good coach to yourself. Good coaches are often said to “put their players in position to succeed.” Know your strengths and weaknesses. Think through your typical days. What obstacles, real or manufactured (excuses), tend to keep you from your goals? What emotions, times of the day or other habits have you linked with a habit you are ready to let go of? Will written reminders in key places help you? Do you require others to assist you, and if so have you considered what style of such interaction works best for you?
The bottom line is usually clear. Either you are serious about change or you aren’t (yet). Talking about change without follow-through gets zero points and tires your friends if not your pets – take care of your cheering section! Making a change may be a challenge and a long process, but the benefits are real and typically extend well beyond the change made. So often I have been pleasantly surprised at bonus effects on myself or my relationships after just one change. Some of this results from simply yet powerfully activating “change muscles.” The more we change, the more easily we can make other changes or adapt to shifting circumstances.
Perhaps you feel unlikely to be true to your resolutions for long. Maybe historically this has been your tendency. One explanation could be that you are such a creature of habit that even small changes must be imposed on you. If this describes you, I have a bridge of behaviors which might increase your odds of success.
As I wake up, but before leaving bed, I focus on my breath: nothing of great length, just 3 deep in-and-out breaths, reminding myself of this central and apparently continuing marvel of my existence. Then I take nine focused breaths, divided into three parts; opening/deepening my breath itself, opening my heart and opening my mind’s eye or intuition (in the center of my forehead). Through this, I create a grounded base of trust and expansiveness. You may feel gratitude, you may feel prayerful.
I also do three exercises. I bounce on my toes and lightly flop around for a couple of minutes, giving me a feeling of buoyancy and flexibility. Then I alternate standing on one foot for a minute, swinging the other foot in a variety of directions. This gives me a sense of balance. Finally, I grab a couple of free weights and push my endurance with a few minutes of simple exercises. Naturally, I am experiencing strength as a result. You might repeat a couple of these or something similar of your own design throughout your day. (In an office setting, bathroom stalls might have a new function.) Here I am addressing a baseline of attention and intention. Additionally, it’s of great benefit if you can walk twenty or more minutes each day, at the best speed you can maintain. This combines the stimulation of blood/oxygen flow and the energizing psychology of motion.
While each of us is geared differently, I feel a routine of this basic nature will slowly release stuck aspects of how you have been and allow you to be more easily seduced by possibilities of how you can become. You may come to feel you deserve certain changes, more than just thinking so. You are likely to have more embodied faith that you can move in these directions.
Change substantially involves the shifting, freeing or expansion of energy. One way is reducing weight through healthier food choices and increased exercise. Another is through subtracting a non-food addiction from your life. Yet another is letting go of a toxic relationship. Along with other changes not mentioned, these are all important and challenging commitments in different ways and for different people.
I have found one process which is immensely valuable by itself and towards liberating energy for making changes – forgiveness. From Oprah to “A Course in Miracles,” forgiveness is mentioned frequently these days. All major religions and spiritual traditions speak strongly of the value and power of forgiveness. I’ll return to this topic later in the year. For now, may I suggest you try this? With or without resolutions, forgive one person (this can be yourself) or one situation. Take enough time to think and feel through the essence of events. It is worth stressing that forgiveness of a person does not require acceptance of a behavior. In forgiving others, admit how you too have weak moments or general shortcomings, however different these may be from theirs. In forgiving yourself, you needn’t abdicate responsibility while working in the present to make better choices.
Genuine forgiveness is one of the most powerfully liberating and connecting forces we have. In thought and feeling it is strong. In word and then action it gains even more force.
Remember that true forgiveness asks nothing, expects nothing in return. It is a gift by itself. What follows is largely unexpected in both form and timing. You may catch yourself "requiring" a reward. This probably indicates it's time to explore the quality of your forgiveness.
If you feel just a little lighter, more open, more balanced and whole from this single forgiveness, you have started down an irresistible path.
Happy New Year! I had another topic in mind, until my wife sensibly suggested I stay in keeping with the time of the year and discuss resolutions – the New Year’s variety or otherwise.
I’m not sure I’ve ever specifically made a New Year’s resolution, but I have made plenty of changes; some gradually, some through dramatic, of-the-moment determination. Like anyone, I have resolved and slid back often enough, either feeling guilty or weak afterwards, or sort of ignoring what didn’t transpire. At the top of the heap of resolutions still not well met by me? -becoming fluent in Spanish. I’m not proud of this, given that my wife and kids are all from Costa Rica and that I’ve studied the language quite a bit at different times. I certainly can get there and I feel I owe it to my family, whose English is excellent.
Resolutions can range from ones for small changes to significant ones; from committing to taking the dog on longer walks to ending a substance abuse addiction. They nearly all focus on breaking or braking a habit, pattern or relationship which we recognize is not serving us or those we care about.
There is some success fueled by resolutions, particularly when they are soberly formed and witnessed (the more witnesses, the better). You’ll have some idea whether your momentum is sustainable if you are at least six weeks along your fresh path. This is important to keep in mind from the outset, like identifying a first marker.
Surely, it’s not empty symbolism to join a gym or attend your first AA meeting, but it is a far cry from “half the battle.” In fact, that package of recognition of a need to change plus the first step…it might add up to 20% of the battle. It’s an essential beginning, but we tend to over-credit ourselves for it.
Gym-joining is probably the classic resolution-buster. It’s estimated that half of those who get a membership the first week of January are no-shows by mid-February! This is a poor investment even if Joe Stud from the fitness center got you a 13th month for free. In the workout quest, I strongly recommend having a “spotter” or “sponsor” who goes with you most of the time and has similar goals. If you don’t have such a person, maybe you can find one at the gym or with staff’s help. For myself, what works well is someone determined yet short of a lunatic or hyped salesman in their enthusiasm.
Issues regarding weight fill a topic by themselves. To the extent that one has control not handicapped by a medical condition, I’ll say just a couple of things here. Most of change is about shifting or freeing energy. You’ll find that I feel word choice can be quite important in both our external and internal dialogue. We have a standard of speaking in terms of “losing weight”. Consider this: the word “losing” in this context undermines the goal from the outset. We don’t like to lose. We also are used to finding or recovering that which we lose. So let’s leave the “losing” out of the plan! Think in terms of “changing shape and increasing energy” or an expression which says what you intend in a positive way.
If you are serious about change, be a good coach to yourself. Good coaches are often said to “put their players in position to succeed.” Know your strengths and weaknesses. Think through your typical days. What obstacles, real or manufactured (excuses), tend to keep you from your goals? What emotions, times of the day or other habits have you linked with a habit you are ready to let go of? Will written reminders in key places help you? Do you require others to assist you, and if so have you considered what style of such interaction works best for you?
The bottom line is usually clear. Either you are serious about change or you aren’t (yet). Talking about change without follow-through gets zero points and tires your friends if not your pets – take care of your cheering section! Making a change may be a challenge and a long process, but the benefits are real and typically extend well beyond the change made. So often I have been pleasantly surprised at bonus effects on myself or my relationships after just one change. Some of this results from simply yet powerfully activating “change muscles.” The more we change, the more easily we can make other changes or adapt to shifting circumstances.
Perhaps you feel unlikely to be true to your resolutions for long. Maybe historically this has been your tendency. One explanation could be that you are such a creature of habit that even small changes must be imposed on you. If this describes you, I have a bridge of behaviors which might increase your odds of success.
As I wake up, but before leaving bed, I focus on my breath: nothing of great length, just 3 deep in-and-out breaths, reminding myself of this central and apparently continuing marvel of my existence. Then I take nine focused breaths, divided into three parts; opening/deepening my breath itself, opening my heart and opening my mind’s eye or intuition (in the center of my forehead). Through this, I create a grounded base of trust and expansiveness. You may feel gratitude, you may feel prayerful.
I also do three exercises. I bounce on my toes and lightly flop around for a couple of minutes, giving me a feeling of buoyancy and flexibility. Then I alternate standing on one foot for a minute, swinging the other foot in a variety of directions. This gives me a sense of balance. Finally, I grab a couple of free weights and push my endurance with a few minutes of simple exercises. Naturally, I am experiencing strength as a result. You might repeat a couple of these or something similar of your own design throughout your day. (In an office setting, bathroom stalls might have a new function.) Here I am addressing a baseline of attention and intention. Additionally, it’s of great benefit if you can walk twenty or more minutes each day, at the best speed you can maintain. This combines the stimulation of blood/oxygen flow and the energizing psychology of motion.
While each of us is geared differently, I feel a routine of this basic nature will slowly release stuck aspects of how you have been and allow you to be more easily seduced by possibilities of how you can become. You may come to feel you deserve certain changes, more than just thinking so. You are likely to have more embodied faith that you can move in these directions.
Change substantially involves the shifting, freeing or expansion of energy. One way is reducing weight through healthier food choices and increased exercise. Another is through subtracting a non-food addiction from your life. Yet another is letting go of a toxic relationship. Along with other changes not mentioned, these are all important and challenging commitments in different ways and for different people.
I have found one process which is immensely valuable by itself and towards liberating energy for making changes – forgiveness. From Oprah to “A Course in Miracles,” forgiveness is mentioned frequently these days. All major religions and spiritual traditions speak strongly of the value and power of forgiveness. I’ll return to this topic later in the year. For now, may I suggest you try this? With or without resolutions, forgive one person (this can be yourself) or one situation. Take enough time to think and feel through the essence of events. It is worth stressing that forgiveness of a person does not require acceptance of a behavior. In forgiving others, admit how you too have weak moments or general shortcomings, however different these may be from theirs. In forgiving yourself, you needn’t abdicate responsibility while working in the present to make better choices.
Genuine forgiveness is one of the most powerfully liberating and connecting forces we have. In thought and feeling it is strong. In word and then action it gains even more force.
Remember that true forgiveness asks nothing, expects nothing in return. It is a gift by itself. What follows is largely unexpected in both form and timing. You may catch yourself "requiring" a reward. This probably indicates it's time to explore the quality of your forgiveness.
If you feel just a little lighter, more open, more balanced and whole from this single forgiveness, you have started down an irresistible path.
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