Forgiveness

Part Two of “Initiating Changes”

Forgiveness is such an important topic, that continuing where we left off with that subject seems best.

Until about six years ago, my own ability to forgive was probably average. What set me on a different path? Perhaps the accumulation of reading which kept mentioning the power of forgiveness. Or could it be that something inside me was calling out for an important shift?

I know I was captivated by the possibility of freeing up energy. Expanding my compassion and becoming less judgmental also appealed to my desire to evolve as a person. I began to acknowledge this as well: that which we do not forgive begins to accumulate, forming a sort of storyline of grievance. We become invested in this internal conversation, one we may dramatize with great flourish. By not forgiving, our judgments, complaints, grudges, and self-recriminations trend toward becoming a fixture of our identity.

With determination, I began to list people I intended to forgive, along with general behaviors and specific actions. I returned to consider my anger, resentments and embarrassments collected over the years. I kept a notebook close at hand, and every day I penned subjects for potential forgiveness. I was on a mission of sorts – due to faith in the value of my project and curiosity as to the effect on my life. I allowed myself as much time as necessary to add to the list, until I felt I had run out of valuable real estate.

I was surprised by how much forgiving was on my plate, considering my life to that point had been quite fortunate on balance. My parents were featured prominently on my list, to different degrees… I suspect it will be the same for most of you. By weight my father was the one person with whom I needed to make the most peace. But the person who I had to forgive the most things? ME. Yep, that’s right. What an annoying person I must have been to that point – mainly to myself. If you start a list of forgiveness, you may be so absorbed in the heavy, long-standing recriminations and finger-pointing that you leave yourself off the list. All I can say from my experience is how my inward honesty was tough at first, and so freeing at last.

Step One. My soul-searching list creation took about ten days. I burned the list in a ceremony of sorts at the very end, signifying what I felt to be considerable releasing and healing. I’m getting ahead of myself, partly as an explanation for why I don’t have direct evidence remaining. If memory serves, there were nearly 125 items on the list.

Step two. Samurai warriors who, when facing multiple attackers, fight them in sequence from the toughest to weakest. If they can handle the tough ones, the others become intimidated, sometimes fleeing. Here it’s more about the confidence gained for yourself with this approach to your Forgiveness List. If you’d rather sneak around and then slowly work up to your biggies, that’s understandable and fine… Whatever works.

The third step is the key. How do we begin to forgive that which we haven’t forgiven recently or ever? How do we forgive ourselves when few of us are used to considering that at all?

Who are you forgiving? Parents, significant others, children, employers…What types of things are you considering forgiving? Abuse, betrayal, disappointment, important lies, insufficient love – these are the big ones. You can run the gamut down to things which are small in the grand scheme of things but which bother you all the same.

I feel beginning with self-forgiveness works best. Maybe it’s an extension of the reasonable notion that if you can’t love yourself, you can’t love anyone else.

Two of the essential ingredients leading toward genuine forgiveness are perspective and empathy. (Here I repeat: Forgiveness of a person does not require acceptance of behavior.)

It is hardly sufficient to say, “Well, I guess it’s time to let that go.” You need to consider why there has been an issue with something. How did you feel, how have you felt about it? Have you benefitted in any way from this, in terms of learning at least, despite the bad feelings? For instance, sometimes we learn much from experiencing what not to do.

Seeing ourselves honestly…reviewing our actions and our feelings regarding them – as we come to terms with the more difficult examples, this paves the road to be more compassionate towards others. Compassion is tested in this way. We can all feel compassion for the starving child in a UNICEF commercial. Can we forgive our father for intentionally breaking our bicycle as a form of punishment?

There are some who live and think in ways which emphasize separation, isolation. For them, people, ideas, events, emotions are distinct… they brush up against each other, share some time and space, but otherwise are independent entities. There are aspects of our modern world which encourage such a sense of alienation. Can this make forgiveness more difficult? I believe so.

It is through a sense of relatedness, connection that we can move from self–forgiveness to forgiveness of others. As we appreciate their hard-wiring, motives and shortcomings to be somewhere on the same continuums as ours, however differently placed they may be; then we can stir empathy and release judgment.

Some of our non-forgiveness of others comes down to simply, "I wouldn't have done the same thing." Perhaps not, but you weren't in that person's shoes. Without removing responsibility from the equation, it remains important in much deep forgiving, to consider as best you can: a life lived with another's specific genes, environmental influences of personal life and cultural history - including beliefs, fears and observed behavior. It's nearly impossible to meaningfully achieve, but a decent effort along these lines is likely to create at least a small shift in you. You may come to a few more junctures of "I don't approve, but I understand." When that understanding is borne of empathy rather than intellectual formulation, you are entering the zone of genuine forgiveness.

I forgave myself for disappointing my parents by leading the life of a professional gambler, for taking too much risk several times and creating problems with losses, for relationships I didn’t always “show up for”… and another forty or so things.

I acknowledged some arrogant and self-destructive and emotionally guarded aspects of myself which were warped byproducts of how I adapted in my family. I understood their nature and source and began the process of lightening the hold of their patterns.

This all took a few weeks to work through back then, and I assure you I’m still revisiting my commitments and discovering new issues. The initial effect was significant and on the whole, quite lasting. As well, my self-forgiveness proved to be the great bridge toward forgiving others.

Then came the “forgiving others” phase. What was important throughout is that I take things carefully and seriously. I found quiet time to focus my energy on each person. Often I would imagine they were a child of between five and eight years old. I did my best to sense who they were and how some of their later issues were already developing. This was one method I used to elicit empathy.

I should mention this: with major people on your list, it’s much easier to forgive the person generally than to forgive specific actions of theirs.

As with the “self-forgiveness” phase, this took some time. The important thing is to stick with it as if something vital depends on it. Rushing to “forgiveness-lite” will likely prove detrimental, especially if you go beyond thought, to the territory of extending words and gestures toward a person. You may snap back to even greater resentment/judgment, perhaps adding self-recriminations.

[To the greatest extent you can, forgive others while they are alive.]

You can’t do this all at once. Some things on your list you may never forgive. Forgive yourself for holding on and feeling that to be necessary…or not.

Am I a better person for doing this? Certainly I feel better. I also like myself more. I compare myself to others less. I judge myself and others on fewer occasions.

A summary thought on the subject by someone with considerable life experience…

“Make peace with the past so it won’t screw up the present.”
– Regina Brett (90 year old columnist)