Resolutions

(This will be Part One of “Initiating Changes”)


Happy New Year! I had another topic in mind, until my wife sensibly suggested I stay in keeping with the time of the year and discuss resolutions – the New Year’s variety or otherwise.

I’m not sure I’ve ever specifically made a New Year’s resolution, but I have made plenty of changes; some gradually, some through dramatic, of-the-moment determination. Like anyone, I have resolved and slid back often enough, either feeling guilty or weak afterwards, or sort of ignoring what didn’t transpire. At the top of the heap of resolutions still not well met by me? -becoming fluent in Spanish. I’m not proud of this, given that my wife and kids are all from Costa Rica and that I’ve studied the language quite a bit at different times. I certainly can get there and I feel I owe it to my family, whose English is excellent.

Resolutions can range from ones for small changes to significant ones; from committing to taking the dog on longer walks to ending a substance abuse addiction. They nearly all focus on breaking or braking a habit, pattern or relationship which we recognize is not serving us or those we care about.

There is some success fueled by resolutions, particularly when they are soberly formed and witnessed (the more witnesses, the better). You’ll have some idea whether your momentum is sustainable if you are at least six weeks along your fresh path. This is important to keep in mind from the outset, like identifying a first marker.

Surely, it’s not empty symbolism to join a gym or attend your first AA meeting, but it is a far cry from “half the battle.” In fact, that package of recognition of a need to change plus the first step…it might add up to 20% of the battle. It’s an essential beginning, but we tend to over-credit ourselves for it.

Gym-joining is probably the classic resolution-buster. It’s estimated that half of those who get a membership the first week of January are no-shows by mid-February! This is a poor investment even if Joe Stud from the fitness center got you a 13th month for free. In the workout quest, I strongly recommend having a “spotter” or “sponsor” who goes with you most of the time and has similar goals. If you don’t have such a person, maybe you can find one at the gym or with staff’s help. For myself, what works well is someone determined yet short of a lunatic or hyped salesman in their enthusiasm.

Issues regarding weight fill a topic by themselves. To the extent that one has control not handicapped by a medical condition, I’ll say just a couple of things here. Most of change is about shifting or freeing energy. You’ll find that I feel word choice can be quite important in both our external and internal dialogue. We have a standard of speaking in terms of “losing weight”. Consider this: the word “losing” in this context undermines the goal from the outset. We don’t like to lose. We also are used to finding or recovering that which we lose. So let’s leave the “losing” out of the plan! Think in terms of “changing shape and increasing energy” or an expression which says what you intend in a positive way.

If you are serious about change, be a good coach to yourself. Good coaches are often said to “put their players in position to succeed.” Know your strengths and weaknesses. Think through your typical days. What obstacles, real or manufactured (excuses), tend to keep you from your goals? What emotions, times of the day or other habits have you linked with a habit you are ready to let go of? Will written reminders in key places help you? Do you require others to assist you, and if so have you considered what style of such interaction works best for you?

The bottom line is usually clear. Either you are serious about change or you aren’t (yet). Talking about change without follow-through gets zero points and tires your friends if not your pets – take care of your cheering section! Making a change may be a challenge and a long process, but the benefits are real and typically extend well beyond the change made. So often I have been pleasantly surprised at bonus effects on myself or my relationships after just one change. Some of this results from simply yet powerfully activating “change muscles.” The more we change, the more easily we can make other changes or adapt to shifting circumstances.

Perhaps you feel unlikely to be true to your resolutions for long. Maybe historically this has been your tendency. One explanation could be that you are such a creature of habit that even small changes must be imposed on you. If this describes you, I have a bridge of behaviors which might increase your odds of success.

As I wake up, but before leaving bed, I focus on my breath: nothing of great length, just 3 deep in-and-out breaths, reminding myself of this central and apparently continuing marvel of my existence. Then I take nine focused breaths, divided into three parts; opening/deepening my breath itself, opening my heart and opening my mind’s eye or intuition (in the center of my forehead). Through this, I create a grounded base of trust and expansiveness. You may feel gratitude, you may feel prayerful.

I also do three exercises. I bounce on my toes and lightly flop around for a couple of minutes, giving me a feeling of buoyancy and flexibility. Then I alternate standing on one foot for a minute, swinging the other foot in a variety of directions. This gives me a sense of balance. Finally, I grab a couple of free weights and push my endurance with a few minutes of simple exercises. Naturally, I am experiencing strength as a result. You might repeat a couple of these or something similar of your own design throughout your day. (In an office setting, bathroom stalls might have a new function.) Here I am addressing a baseline of attention and intention. Additionally, it’s of great benefit if you can walk twenty or more minutes each day, at the best speed you can maintain. This combines the stimulation of blood/oxygen flow and the energizing psychology of motion.

While each of us is geared differently, I feel a routine of this basic nature will slowly release stuck aspects of how you have been and allow you to be more easily seduced by possibilities of how you can become. You may come to feel you deserve certain changes, more than just thinking so. You are likely to have more embodied faith that you can move in these directions.

Change substantially involves the shifting, freeing or expansion of energy. One way is reducing weight through healthier food choices and increased exercise. Another is through subtracting a non-food addiction from your life. Yet another is letting go of a toxic relationship. Along with other changes not mentioned, these are all important and challenging commitments in different ways and for different people.

I have found one process which is immensely valuable by itself and towards liberating energy for making changes – forgiveness. From Oprah to “A Course in Miracles,” forgiveness is mentioned frequently these days. All major religions and spiritual traditions speak strongly of the value and power of forgiveness. I’ll return to this topic later in the year. For now, may I suggest you try this? With or without resolutions, forgive one person (this can be yourself) or one situation. Take enough time to think and feel through the essence of events. It is worth stressing that forgiveness of a person does not require acceptance of a behavior. In forgiving others, admit how you too have weak moments or general shortcomings, however different these may be from theirs. In forgiving yourself, you needn’t abdicate responsibility while working in the present to make better choices.

Genuine forgiveness is one of the most powerfully liberating and connecting forces we have. In thought and feeling it is strong. In word and then action it gains even more force.

Remember that true forgiveness asks nothing, expects nothing in return. It is a gift by itself. What follows is largely unexpected in both form and timing. You may catch yourself "requiring" a reward. This probably indicates it's time to explore the quality of your forgiveness.

If you feel just a little lighter, more open, more balanced and whole from this single forgiveness, you have started down an irresistible path.